Thinking about where I am right now in this journey, some might say I haven’t accomplished much. Some might say that I have nothing to offer anyone else because I’m still so stuck myself. I have doubted whether there is any point to sharing my experience because I don’t know if writing about it can benefit anyone but myself…I don’t claim that what I write is “right”, in fact there’s a good chance that what I say could lead people astray, since I’m so unclear of so many things. I don’t claim to be able to offer anything that can help anyone else. This is just my experience. And today this is what is coming to my mind as I sit here at the keyboard, so I’m writing it.
As I think back on my experience so far, I’ve been through a bunch of phases. Here are some that come to mind. There are definitely more. Some that I haven’t written about at all:
1. Marvelling at the fact that I can be in communion with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe at any moment and getting to know what this feels like.
2. Refusing to allow negative thoughts and fear to occupy space in my head thus realizing that there is a different reality possible.
3. Reaching out to the divine and inviting the divine into the reality of my life, moment to moment.
4. Becoming acutely aware of certain blocks to my spiritual growth.
5. Becoming aware that I have to accept those blocks instead of rejecting them or trying to change them.
6. Becoming aware of the difference between doing and being.
7. Becoming aware of the difference between emotions and feelings.
8. Becoming aware of what being in the moment and accepting myself in each moment feels like.
9. Practicing being in the moment and truly accepting myself.
So, this is where I am. Outwardly, it seems like nothing has changed because I’ve only just begun to actually accept myself the way I am and just begun to become aware that I don’t need to change anything to find divinity in my world. I’ve just started to explore the depths of presence within myself, just started to awaken to the truth that can only be found by accepting things exactly as they are and allowing them to be- and the freedom that that creates.
I am no different on the outside. I don’t think that anyone in my presence would feel me radiating divine love or serenity, or anything divine (although I pray that I can express divine energy in all that I do). I have been emotional and negative and all the things that some may say prove that I have gained nothing out of this experience. But I know that I have. It’s the beginnings of self-awareness and self-acceptance. It’s just the beginning. I’m being honest. It’s also honest to say that self-acceptance feels like a whole new world to me inside. Inside I’m exploring uncharted territory. I know with out a doubt that the most important thing I can do in this moment is to experience myself just as I am without wanting to change myself and without caring what anyone else thinks. I have never know that so clearly. I have never known so clearly that I am divine, that I am perfect, and that rejecting or trying to change myself is rejecting divinity in my life. Mentally, I haven’t stopped rejecting or thinking I have to change myself but there is now a little bit of myself that knows who it really is (just a little bit). Otherwise I would have never allowed myself to write this post.
Thanks for reading.
3 thoughts on “Day 31- This Is Me In This Moment and It Feels Very Vulnerable…and FREEING”
Allowing yourself the freedom to always be at the beginning is very powerful. This is like having a big weight off of your shoulders. You don’t have to be anywhere else. You don’t have to be or become anyone else. You don’t have to have the answers or be perfect or advanced or holy or anything. Just being yourself. Accepting yourself as you are right now again and again. Being Here, where we all are at the beginning, allows Life to be able to creatively live through you and as you.
Writing and any form of art is always for you. It is your self expression. It is your form of prayer. It is your way with connecting to the divine within you. If people resonate good, if they don’t then good. But it is your freedom to express yourself however you feel to, however Life guides you to. It doesn’t matter about the outside because it is unreliable. One minute they like you and then they don’t. One minute they see beauty in you and then they see ugliness in you. Wherever they are is what they will see in you. You cannot trust them as a constant. It is about the freedom to live the Truth. Giving yourself permission to explore your Self. No matter what this looks like or if it is considered right or wrong in the mind of others and in your own mind. Your experience is all that matters. This is the way for you.
…Always at the beginning.
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It’s so interesting to hear you say “Give yourself permission to explore yourself. No matter what this looks like or if it is considered right or wrong in the mind of others and in your own mind.” Not listening to my own mind’s ideas of right and wrong. Letting go of anything preconceived, even if it comes from my mind and has seemed like me for so long…that’s digging deep.
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