Day 35- Opening to Abundance- Part 1

Ok, it’s time… I’ve been avoiding mentioning a certain topic. Not on purpose. I didn’t realize until I started typing just now why I’ve been avoiding it, but it just hit me. The topic is money and abundance. What just hit me is that the reason I’ve avoided mentioning it is because of my lack mentality.

My mind has made up other reasons, though. My mind has been telling me that it would be inappropriate to talk about my money situation publicly. It’s also been telling me that I shouldn’t talk about it because I don’t have anything important to say. I can see through the charade more now though. My mind is a complete manipulator…it’s becoming more and more obvious.

Here’s the real reason I’ve avoided mentioning the topic of money and abundance. It’s because of the power I’ve given my lack mentality and the aversion my lack mentality has of dying. My lack mentality caused me to be uncomfortable with this topic. My lack mentality wants me to think that money and abundance are none of my business. It wants me to believe I know anything about it. It wants me to be ashamed of admitting my struggles and admitting I’m not where I want to be. My lack mentality wants me to feel powerless in regard to money. And like the do-gooder I am, I have complied.

Things are changing now, though. I can literally feel something shifting within me as I write. I feel differently. I feel more open about it. I feel more confident! I understand why my lack mentality didn’t want me to talk about money. It’s because talking about it is freeing. This freedom is a death to the lack mentality.

I’ve been reading a book called You Were Born Rich, by Bob Proctor (you can get a free copy here if you’re interested). Reading this is something my mind has told me I should be ashamed about. I don’t have to listen to my mind’s advice, though. I choose not to now. Anyway…one of the first things Bob says about money in this book is that money is a servant.  Money is here to serve us, not the other way around. I have felt like a servant to money all of my life. I have given away incredible amounts of my power to money and I have allowed it to control me. I have so identified with my lack mentality that to a certain degree I have believed it was me. Whenever I felt unhappy or stressed about money, my thoughts always settled on the conviction that “No matter how hard I try I will never be wealthy I will always be lack.”

So, why are things shifting for me? Probably for many reasons. I don’t know if I know anything for sure, but I feel it has a least a little to do with these 3 things:

1. Awakening to the truth that abundance and prosperity are part of divinity, not selfish, shallow desires.
2. Awakening to the truth that I am powerful  and I am creative and I have the power to create my life the way I want it to be.
3. Awakening a part of myself that somehow has been able to take action in the direction of abundance and prosperity. Thus proving to my doubting mind, in little ways, that lack doesn’t define me. And gaining more confidence with every little step in the direction of abundance and prosperity.

It’s been little steps. Up to now, so little that I barely felt anything was changing. But all of a sudden I feel it. I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

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Day 16- On Moving Forward and Not Being Stuck Anymore

I don’t think I will go back to living life the way I was living it before I started this experience. Although putting my awareness on the present moment and my connection with the divine in the present moment, over and over again, is quite mentally tiring, it’s getting easier. It’s begun to feel more natural. I think I would feel a serious lack if I stopped doing it.

I’ve become very aware of my thoughts over the past couple of weeks. What a bunch of negative messages I’ve been sending to myself for most of my life! No wonder I’ve felt stuck in a rut.

During the past 5 years, or so, I’ve been trying to figure out how to move my life forward in a meaningful way. I’ve felt like I worked hard in my outer and inner worlds, but my hard work never seemed to get me anywhere, except to places where I worked hard again. A lot of times I’ve felt like I was journeying up a steep mountain, putting in so much effort. But when I reached a pinnacle, I would look back and see that what had seemed like a mountain, was really a plateau. I wasn’t reaching new heights, at all!

Today I understand more what has been keeping me stuck. All the efforts I’ve been making have been misplaced. I’ve been so concerned with doing good things because I’ve felt inside that I wasn’t good enough. In other words, I’ve been trying to make myself “good” by doing “good” things. How could I possibly feel fulfilled if I was denying my own inherent goodness? I have been busy doing things and waiting for approval from others to confirm my worth. How obviously misguided, but I haven’t been able to see it. Intellectually, I could tell myself or anyone else that it’s not productive to gauge my self-worth on the opinions of others; that seeking approval from others will only lead to suffering. However, since that state of being has been all I’ve known for so long, in my mind I couldn’t perceive any other way being. I didn’t have a perspective on how I was living because my thoughts were doing such an amazing job of keeping me programmed to do the same thing over and over again, while at the same time I began to want different results. Insane? I believe so.

Most of my life I have sought approval of others and I have gotten very good at getting it. So good, that my mind tricked me into believing that approval from others was one of the most satisfying things I could experience and one of the most important things to strive for. This is where a large part of my efforts have gone and why my life has seemed to plateau. It wasn’t until two weeks ago when I started giving my regular thoughts less and less time in my mind that I began to see the reality of my current experience more clearly, and where it fell short. Through continually bringing my awareness to the divine, I have begun to experience what it’s like to be filled with the divinity of my own being and to experience my own power, which I have been so generously giving away to others for so many years.

That’s not to say that I regret or reject the experiences that I’ve had throughout my life. So many of my experiences have been amazing! I’ve learned so much, shared beautiful moments with people along the way, and I believe that I have made positive contributions to the world. What I’m realizing now is that doing those things to prove my goodness to myself and to the world was never going to fulfill me. The direction I’ve been going in over the past 2 weeks has fulfilled me in ways that I’ve never experienced before. I know this is the start of a new life and I look forward to exposing more and more of my old thought patterns to the divine light of truth so that I can transform their energy into something much  more meaningful to myself and the world.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 14- Turning My Thoughts Inside Out

I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I started this experiment, this journey. I feel like it’s been a lifetime, like this is all I’ve ever know. But at the same time, the days seem a bit of a blur. Over the past few days it’s felt like a battle, of sorts. I’ve been confronting some major blocks in my spiritual evolution.

One reason that these blocks may be presenting themselves is that I’ve been inviting the divine into every experience; into moments of beauty and moments of negativity. I have been more fully aware and present during the negative feelings and less attached, feeling them float on the surface like a ripple, rather than a deep wave that overwhelms my entire being. I’ve been welcoming into my path things that I would usually avoid at all costs. Stating to myself that I look forward to things that I would usually dread and finding reasons to back up the claim. “I look forward to doing the dishes.” “I look forward to not going to bed when I’m tired.” “I look forward to losing another blog post because my internet signal wasn’t strong enough to save it.” …and other more serious, private matters. One reason I always come up with for looking forward to these things has to do with the opportunity they give me to practice a new thought pattern. The point of this is to open myself up to the possibility that these things may happen again and to not fear that possibility, but to accept anything that comes into my  path. Arguing with what is, is pointless  and only causes suffering. This allows me to see things with a different perspective from what my thinking mind is feeding me and, thus, to undo the thoughts that cause anger, fear, depression, etc. (See the work of Byron Katie.)

Today I teetered on the verge of being overwhelmed by my emotions in relation to a particular issue. This is an issue that I have allowed to cause major suffering in my life and to utterly dis-empower me. Today, the issue popped up again and this time it was a showdown.

Here’s the scene. I’m minding my own business, doing work and bringing my awareness to the divine reality of the present moment as often as possible, when all of  a sudden, an innocent little seed of a thought comes into my mind. But it’s really not innocent at all, it’s a huge negative monster in disguise, meant to knock me off balance and interrupt any harmony and flow I may have been feeling.

As soon as I entertained the little seed of the negative thought, BANG! It gained momentum and spiraled out of control. All of a sudden my world seemed to be falling apart. I began to panic. I couldn’t concentrate on work anymore. I started pacing around giving the thought more energy and power by worrying about the future and regretting the past… I was completely out of  the present moment and on the verge of tears. But I caught myself. I had enough presence of mind (thanks to all that I’ve been doing over the past two weeks) to take a baby step back out of the story, the drama. I was able to recognize what was happening and to know that I didn’t want to go down that path. I knew I had to do something proactive or the negativity would take over. At first, I tried to keep on working, as a distraction, but that wasn’t enough to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I realized I need to stop everything I was doing and focus on the task at hand. And that’s what I did. I stopped working. I looked online for all the positive affirmations I could on the topic (Thank you Louise Hay) and I wrote them down on a piece of paper. I read them to myself over and over again, calmly and purposefully. Then, I wrote them again on another piece of paper. I came across blogs in which people wrote about how they dealt with this issue, I read them. I downloaded a book on the topic and started reading it. The point being, I didn’t feed the negative thoughts and so they lost their power and momentum. I chose thoughts of love and truth and harmony. Believe it or not, I did this for an hour and a half.

In the end I reached a point where I was not fearful anymore. Where I knew I could “trust in the process of life” and that “all I needed was always taken care of”. I knew that what I was experiencing was what I needed and even what I wanted. Eventually I was able to be grateful for the suffering that this issue has caused me because it’s this suffering that has pushed me to awaken and become aware of a different way of being. In the end, I was even able to look forward to facing this issue again so that I could continue to transform it into fuel for the divine fire burning within me. 

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing- An Opportunity to Claim My Freedom

I feel a bit lost. I feel a bit alone. How do I do this? I don’t know what to write but I’m dedicated to writing something every day to document this experience.

I’ve been reading a blog called The Invitation. It couldn’t be more relevant to me at the moment. Strangely (or maybe not), the person who writes it, Tathina, was the first person to find my blog.  Something that Tathina discusses a lot is the truth that “This is it.” If we can stop searching and striving we have the opportunity to accept this moment for all that it is, without judgment, and we have the opportunity to accept ourselves just as we are and find something real. This post, Discovering What Cannot Be Spoken, is wonderful; and this poem When One is Truly Thirsty for Truth…well…it resonated with me so much I felt like she wrote it for me!

In light of the “invitation” that Tathina is extending, I will accept this moment and accept who I am in this moment. I will accept the questions and the uncertainty as an experience that is no doubt here to teach me something. If I reject it and label it as “wrong” or “bad” my world becomes smaller and I imprison myself instead of realizing my true freedom. Thank you, Tathina.

Thanks for Reading.

Rosalynn

Nothing of great import

I had a rough spell today. It’s a bit disheartening but I think the worst is over. Part of me feels like it’s a setback but another part knows it simply par for the course.

I’m not sure what else to write about it. I could tell the story of what happened. I could explain what I learned from it. I could explain which negative emotions I felt and why…none of that really feels important at the moment though. I don’t feel passionate about writing about any of those things. Maybe there is nothing more to say about it. I had a minor breakdown, it sucked, but I got through it, and now I choose to keep moving forward instead of analyzing the shit out of it, which I completely intended to do when I started writing this post.

I feel like this is a small victory.

…Is that it? Am I done writing about it? …Yes, I think so! Incredible.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 2 (Part 2) and Day 3

Hello 🙂

Yesterday I worked all day on the farm and when I got home our internet was giving us trouble. I could barely log in to my work email account to check some important messages. It took me about an hour to do that. By the time I was done, I was wiped out and ready for bed. Usually, I would have stressed about that, feeling obliged to write a post for day 2, but I was able to let go of that with the realization of the truth that it would cause me unnecessary suffering.

I suppose I’ll finish up posting about day 2…although that seems so long ago now. There were a couple of key things that happened that afternoon and evening. I’ll cut right to the chase. Since one of the things I am choosing to focus on in my life is divine harmony, I was able to see the ways this plays out more clearly. Example one: I was driving around the city looking for the location to meet up with a friend who is going to sell me a car. It was really hot. I didn’t really know where I was going. I had a vague idea but didn’t want to be driving around in circles for an hour and stopping to ask directions from people on the street, as I have been known to do. Instead, I went in the general direction of where I thought I had to go, saying to myself “My life abounds with divine harmony and good fortune” (I don’t know where good fortune plays into divine existence, but I throw it in there because it has a positive effect on my mental state). This is very different from the stress and frustration that I would usually feel. Finally I turned left onto what I thought was a road but turned out to be a parking lot. I began to have a sense of dismay as I was turning around to go out, when all of a sudden a car pulled in right next to me. I though “Why is this car pulling up so close to me”. It turns out it was my friend! He saw me pull into the parking lot and followed me in.

Example two: I had spent a good portion of the last couple of days doing my best not to worry about when I was going to get a response to a certain text message that I had sent. The message was to confirm an important happening in my life. I had done well not letting it take over my thoughts that day, since I was able to replace my fears about it with thoughts of the reality of divine harmony and good fortune that is all around me. When I got home that evening the response finally arrived. It said exactly what I hoped it would say! The noteworthy thing about this experience was that in that moment, something inside of me shifted. I felt incredibly confident that my life actually does abound in divine harmony! I felt a sense of serenity and joy that was real! I was so grateful.

One important realization from day 2: I realized that the work that I do can be/is my give-away. It’s not something I have to do for money. It’s something that I’m good at and that helps other people. I realized more than ever yesterday how grateful I was to be able to give this gift. So when I had to make a decision about doing a quick project at 9:30 at night, I was happy to do it because it energized me to know I could help in this way.

Now I’ll recap day 3. Working all day on the farm. Before I describe what I think is the most important occurrence from my experience yesterday, here’s some background. When I work on the farm I often don’t speak for hours because most of my co-workers only speak Portuguese. This means I spend a lot of time in my own head-space. Yesterday, despite all of the work I’ve been doing over the past couple of days, I got stuck on a very negative thought. Somehow thoughts about something I did over a year ago got into my head and I found myself regretting my actions. I was overcome by shame and guilt. I felt horrible! This went on for quite a while before I eventually caught myself. When I did, I had to do something to get off of that negative vibration. I needed to replace it with something of a positive vibration. I created my own mantra: “My life abounds with the truth of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe and my thoughts are divine.” At first, repeating this in my head felt pointless. I still felt horrible and questioned whether just thinking these words could actually change this. The words felt like empty words at first. But I continued even though it felt futile. After about 10 to 15 minutes of repeating this mantra in my head I finally felt as if my mood was changing. I started to feel the meaning behind the words. Somewhere deep in my being I knew the truth about the situation I had been stressing about. The truth was that it didn’t matter anymore and that I could rise above it- that it was ok to rise above it instead of punish myself for it. Regardless of if I had done something wrong or not, all was forgiven….or maybe there was never anything to forgive. Anyway, the mantra I was repeating brought the feeling of this reality to my awareness and I knew it was true. I could feel it. The second half of the mantra reminded me that in every moment I have to make a choice to keep my thoughts on the divine and I was finally able to do it because I didn’t give in to the negativity. I continued with my  mantra for most of the afternoon but was careful to not do it mindlessly. There were times that I realized I was saying the mantra but thinking about something else. That doesn’t work. So I slowed down and pondered each of the words for a moment so that I took in their meaning again. I was so grateful for the power I felt from this experience.

I’ll end this somewhat long post with a quote that I came upon about 3 days ago. It’s something that encouraged me to do this 42 day journey.

“The day is now ended. Our lives are shorter. Let us look carefully. What have we done? With all our hearts, let us be diligent, engaging in the practice of mindfulness. Let us live deeply, free from afflictions, aware of impermanence so that life does not drift away with out meaning.” – Thich Nhat Haan, The Energy Prayer.

When I read this the other day I was disheartened because I felt like for most of my life I had done nothing, that I had not lived deeply. Now, I feel differently. I feel like for the past 3 days I have finally begun to live deeply and with meaning.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn