We’re All Doing Our Best

We’re all doing our best. How do I know this? Because I’m doing my  best. In every moment, I’m doing my best. I can’t be more loving, more compassionate, more kind, more serene, more joyful, more grateful, more accepting, less judgmental, less controlling, less angry, more powerful, more tactful, smarter, you name it…I can’t be any more or less of anything than I am. If I could I would- BELIEVE ME!

I think we’re all in the same boat. Every single person on this planet. I think we’re all doing the very best we can given our present frame of mind and beliefs.

I don’t believe it’s true that anyone does something bad if they believe they have a choice. I think, given the choice, we all want to do “good” and if we do something “bad” it was because we felt we didn’t have a choice. (Defining good and bad…that’s a whole other topic.)

I see this in my life. When I am angry, I don’t want to be angry, but I feel incapable of being any other way. When I’m angry I most often end up crying after a while because it hurts so much to be angry and I’m ashamed. It hurts so bad that if there’s any way I could stop from being angry, I would, but it hasn’t been a reality for me at those times.

That may not be good enough for the person I’m yelling at and judging and lashing out against. I understand that. I wish with all my heart that I could be more/different for that person, but in that moment. I just can’t.

Realizing that I am doing my best has opened my mind and my heart to accepting that everyone is doing his/her best…given their beliefs.

Regarding beliefs…I’ve been trying to shift/evolve/let go of/heal my own. It’s so hard. I’m so eager and motivated, yet it feels damn near impossible at times and I wonder how I will ever grow as a person.

Honestly, what has helped me the most in this experience I’ve been having of uncovering truth in my life is how I’ve been learning to see that nothing can be any different than it is. I can’t be any different than I am. No one, not even myself, can force me to be any different. Somehow, in a way that I don’t understand, I feel more in touch with who I want to be when I accept who I am in each moment, especially if it’s not who I want to be. There’s something about accepting this person that I don’t want to be that shows me who I really am. When this happens, I naturally feel the peace that I often fruitlessly try to create.

There have been (and are currently) situations in life when I have been judgmental, controlling, angry, and blaming. All thing I’m not proud of. There’s no way I would behave in these ways if I saw a way not to. Knowing that I’m doing my best has allowed me to find peace with whatever it is the other person may think about me when I act in ways I’m not proud of. It’s not about making excuses, but about accepting reality. They may think my best is not good enough but I know it’s the only thing I can give in any moment. And on the flip side, I’m learning to see that whatever the another person is presenting to me is his/her best. When I believe that I, again, feel more in touch with the person I want to be. With this belief there is the opportunity for feeling love and compassion and for communication in times of conflict and struggle. Without this belief these things don’t feel like an option.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

 

 

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Day 18

Yesterday I was so tired after working on the farm all day that I went to bed early. Tonight I have started over at least three times and now I’m deciding, I just don’t know what to write…and I’m really tired again. I don’t know why nothing is coming to me. All day long I have interesting experiences. But lately when I sit down to write, I don’t feel compelled to say anything. But I’m not going to force it. This is my experience in this moment. I’m tired and I have nothing else to say. I’m going to go to bed now. Good night.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 15- My Most Important Lesson, So Far

Shame

“Shame is fostered by a lack of acceptance of your naturalness. If you do not accept your natural way of doing something, you will feel shame. Shame is your guilt projected inward; it engenders indecisiveness and a sense of inadequacy. It fosters incompetence and inconsistency. Above all, shame is fueled by a fear of failure.

To defeat this block, use poise and pride of self as allies. Accept your weaknesses and strengths , and learn when to use your weaknesses as strengths and strengths aw weaknesses. In this way your weaknesses become strengths and your strengths become even stronger. Wisdom is knowing when to do which. Pride is the internal realization that you do something well and you don’t need external reinforcement. Self-acceptance is the epitome of pride.

Very often people who “strut their stuff” are criticized for showing off. The boxer Muhammed Ali, although recognized as a great athlete, was criticized by many for being what they considered egotistical and vain. On the contrary, he knew he was great, and he reveled in his mastery. At the same time, he didn’t take himself seriously, and he entertained us with his gift of humor. It is actually self-importance that pretends humility and plays down your excellence. Your give-away, your Beauty as a balanced human being, is to be the best you can be and to give that away to the world. This is your legacy in this lifetime. So you know yourself, and use what you  know. Shine, and let the world see your light.“- p.141, Song of the Deer, Thunder Strikes and Jan Orsi.

Shame is a strong force in my life. I’ve noticed lately that when I do things there often seems to be an expectation of receiving something in return. Most often it’s nothing more than recognition of some kind. When I realized that, I felt a sense of shame. I want to do things for the love of doing them or because they come natural to me. Here’s a simple example: singing. I love singing and I’m a decent singer. I have decided that I want to sing more and that I want to be able to sing at home, whenever I feel like it. Not quiet, shy singing, but singing as if I were on stage performing. It feels so good. I do this easily when I’m alone but I’ve noticed that when my partner, Chris, is home a thought comes to mind that says “I wonder if Chris can hear me. He’ll hear how good I sing and he’ll be impressed and tell me what a good singer I am.” Then, when I realize that I’ve thought that, I feel ashamed because it seems like I’m singing because I’m showing off and that I want some external reinforcement. That leads to me feeling ashamed to sing. This morning, however, I sang all of the songs I could think of and I didn’t care if Chris heard me or not. The thought still came into my mind, but I ignored it. Chris came downstairs while I was singing and he didn’t say anything about my singing and I was grateful.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn