We’re All Doing Our Best

whatever-you-accept-completely-will-take-you-to-peace-eckhart-tolle

We’re all doing our best. How do I know this? Because I’m doing my  best. In every moment, I’m doing my best. I can’t be more loving, more compassionate, more kind, more serene, more joyful, more grateful, more accepting, less judgmental, less controlling, less angry, more powerful, more tactful, smarter, you name it…I can’t be any more or less of anything than I am. If I could I would- BELIEVE ME!

I think we’re all in the same boat. Every single person on this planet. I think we’re all doing the very best we can given our present frame of mind and beliefs.

I don’t believe it’s true that anyone does something bad if they believe they have a choice. I think, given the choice, we all want to do “good” and if we do something “bad” it was because we felt we didn’t have a choice. (Defining good and bad…that’s a whole other topic.)

I see this in my life. When I am angry, I don’t want to be angry, but I feel incapable of being any other way. When I’m angry I most often end up crying after a while because it hurts so much to be angry and I’m ashamed. It hurts so bad that if there’s any way I could stop from being angry, I would, but it hasn’t been a reality for me at those times.

That may not be good enough for the person I’m yelling at and judging and lashing out against. I understand that. I wish with all my heart that I could be more/different for that person, but in that moment. I just can’t.

Realizing that I am doing my best has opened my mind and my heart to accepting that everyone is doing his/her best…given their beliefs.

Regarding beliefs…I’ve been trying to shift/evolve/let go of/heal my own. It’s so hard. I’m so eager and motivated, yet it feels damn near impossible at times and I wonder how I will ever grow as a person.

Honestly, what has helped me the most in this experience I’ve been having of uncovering truth in my life is how I’ve been learning to see that nothing can be any different than it is. I can’t be any different than I am. No one, not even myself, can force me to be any different. Somehow, in a way that I don’t understand, I feel more in touch with who I want to be when I accept who I am in each moment, especially if it’s not who I want to be. There’s something about accepting this person that I don’t want to be that shows me who I really am. When this happens, I naturally feel the peace that I often fruitlessly try to create.

There have been (and are currently) situations in life when I have been judgmental, controlling, angry, and blaming. All thing I’m not proud of. There’s no way I would behave in these ways if I saw a way not to. Knowing that I’m doing my best has allowed me to find peace with whatever it is the other person may think about me when I act in ways I’m not proud of. It’s not about making excuses, but about accepting reality. They may think my best is not good enough but I know it’s the only thing I can give in any moment. And on the flip side, I’m learning to see that whatever the another person is presenting to me is his/her best. When I believe that I, again, feel more in touch with the person I want to be. With this belief there is the opportunity for feeling love and compassion and for communication in times of conflict and struggle. Without this belief these things don’t feel like an option.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

 

 

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Negative Judgments- What am I afraid of?

Two roads download

I was upset about something the other day. I thought I had said something I shouldn’t have said to someone, and that because of that, another person was upset with me. I had no real proof of any of this…but my mind didn’t need proof, it just ran with it.

Then, finally I decided to question my thoughts on this topic. One of the amazing things I realized through doing The Work  on my thoughts  is how often I simply don’t question my thoughts at all. The majority of the time, my thoughts create a story in my mind that I believe unquestioningly, in all it’s twists and turns.

In this situation, my thoughts had been feeding me the story that so-and-so thinks I’m a blabber mouth, gossip- and I was convinced! It was so easy to believe it… but at the same time, it was emotionally and mentally painful and draining. That’s become the first sign that there’s something for me to work on. When something is that emotionally and mentally draining and I can feel my personal power fading at the hands of worry and stress, it’s a time to act.  These days, acting has meant inquiry. Instead of blindly accepting my thoughts, running from them, rejecting them, or repressing them, I go into them deeper than I ever have before to feel their full effect of me and on my life. When I do that they show me what I have yet to learn about the situation at hand. In this way, my thoughts are my teacher and they have been teaching me incredibly powerful and personal lessons.

What I have been learning about the situation I was describing above is that I have a belief that I fear people judging me negatively and I feel shame when people judge me negatively but I don’t know why. I’ve never questioned my fear or shame to see if it makes any sense. Why am I afraid of being judged negatively? I really have no idea! What’s the worst that could happen with people judging me negatively? I could end up losing all of my friends and living on my own somewhere away from everyone I know now. Well, guess what? Half of that situation is already true (almost)! I do live away from almost all of the people that I know… and what happened was that I met other people/friends. Fortunately, I also still have the friends I had before, but the point is that even the worst case scenario would probably turn out ok. So really, what is my fear all about?

It’s mostly about the discomfort I feel inside my own mind. Ok, so what happens if I stop having the thought that negative judgments are scary and shameful? What happens if someone is judging me and the thought never crosses my mind that I should be ashamed of or fear this person’s negative judgment? Here’s the scene: I do or say something that another person doesn’t agree with for some reason (to make writing about it easier-and avoid using he/she-let’s just say it’s she)  she thinks a judgmental thought and maybe she even makes a judgmental statement like “Why would you say something like that?” or “You really shouldn’t have done that.”

Now, this is the crossroads. There are 2 roads to go down. One road is stressful and one isn’t. Choosing the stressful road means believing my thoughts when they start to weave the mental story that I’m scared of what will happen now or I’m so ashamed that this person doesn’t like what I said or did.

However, if I pay no mind to that story, all I see in this situation is one person expressing her opinion about something the other person (me) did or said. And without the story of fear or shame, I can respond to that opinion from a place of calmness and clarity.

I can ask myself Why would I say something like that? Hmmm… I don’t know? Something like what? And I can respond to the person with honesty: “At the moment, I’m not sure why I would say something like that, but it’s a really good question. Let me think about it a little more.” Why would I say something like that?

Or if I know why I said it, I can tell her. Maybe I was confused or unconscious or tired or frustrated… whatever the case may be. In any event, I’m free to answer the person’s question in a calm, clear, honest way because my mind is calm and clear.

Or if I did something that the other person thinks I shouldn’t have done, that’s an opportunity for learning. I can ask the person why she thinks I shouldn’t have done what I did? Maybe when she explains why, I’ll agree. Or maybe I won’t and I can say so, because I’m calm and I have a clear mind. There’s no story in my mind creating a drama. The other person may have a drama in her mind, but how does that affect me? It doesn’t, unless I invite the drama into my own thoughts.

I can picture it in my mind: Two people facing one another. One person is filled with drama and emotion. It’s buzzing around and going crazy inside of that person. The other person is completely calm and clear. There’s no way for the drama and emotion buzzing around in the one person to jump into or affect the calm person unless the calm person starts the spark of it inside herself.

What inquiry is teaching me in this situation is that the non-stressful road exists and that there is an alternative to my story. I can be that calm, clear person. I never really saw these options before. It may not happen overnight (well, it definitely didn’t happen overnight) but that realization is a game changer. Once that realization is there the story starts to lose it’s power. The longer I keep the realization, or the more times I have it, the weaker the story gets. I can already feel that. It’s like the story is letting go of me, in a way…I’m still in the process, but I can feel it happening. Without struggle. With understanding, patience, and dedication to inquiry.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

My disconnection and my suffering…Are they real?

A thought is harmless

There are times when I feel disconnected from God. But is it possible to be disconnected from God? Lately, I began to think that my thoughts are the only things that can disconnect me from God. But again, I must ask, is it possible to be disconnected from God?

Upon investigation, and doing a technique called “the work,” which a woman named Byron Katie teaches, I have awakened to the experience that it’s not possible to be disconnected from God; that not even my thoughts can disconnect me; that there’s nothing I can do that can disconnect me from God.

I may think that I’m disconnected, but is there any proof of that?

The thought has crossed my mind that if I’m suffering, I must be disconnected from God. But can I absolutely know that that’s true?

No.

Through questioning, I came to realize that even when I suffer I’m connected with God.

But that realization brought me to a different question.

Do I choose to suffer? Maybe not. Does suffering just happen to me? Hmmm… I realized the question at the heart of this topic is When I think I’m suffering, can I absolutely  know that its true that I’m suffering?

What I found when I questioned this thought amazed me.

First of all, how do I react when I believe the thought that I’m suffering?

When I believe I’m suffering, I don’t see that really I’m not. Usually, I’m perfectly safe and well.When I believe the thought that I’m suffering I ignore all the ways that I’m not suffering. I also fail to consider that my suffering is nothing but a thought.

But is that true? Can it possibly be true that my suffering is nothing but a thought? Let me question the thought I suffer.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I suffer?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that I suffer? Who would I be if I weren’t capable of thinking the thought that I suffer?

This was a very new perspective to consider. I’ve known the thought of suffering for so long that it’s hard to imagine not knowing it. Is it possible to exist without thinking the thought that I suffer or that my suffering is real? When I sat and contemplated this for quite a while, this is what came to me:

If I wasn’t capable of thinking the thought I suffer or My suffering is real…

I would accept and experience things without fear. I would experience things as they happened and then be free of them. I would feel pain until I didn’t feel pain anymore. I would be hungry until I wan’t hungry anymore. I would feel sad until I wasn’t sad anymore….

The reality, of course, it that I am capable of thinking the thoughts I suffer and My suffering is real. So what does this mean to me now?  It means that if the thought crosses my mind that I’m suffering, I will think I’m suffering until I don’t think I’m suffering anymore… and as soon as I don’t think I’m suffering anymore, I won’t suffer anymore… and I will be able to experience what each moment presents…without suffering. And I will be open to experiencing until I can’t experience anymore…  None of what I experience requires my suffering.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

My Process

The 42 days I dedicated to the process of deepening my connection with the divine turned out to be  a time for me to get to know myself. This process has been incredible- both difficult and gracious. When I wrote my last post, I was in a moment of difficulty. What I wrote was what I was feeling in that moment. I know it may have sounded sad and discouraged… that’s how I was feeling in the moment. But the amazing thing about writing how I was feeling is that I allowed myself not to deny it. It was the truth for me in that moment and I allowed myself to live the truth in that moment. Yes, I was worried of what people would think when they read it but that’s ok. Being worried in that moment was truth, it was the reality of that moment. I also took some time to pause as I was writing, and a new reality presented itself. The poem I wrote came to me over a period of about 15 – 20 minutes. I didn’t plan to write a poem. When I called up on my true self in the moment, I stopped writing and sat for a few moments feeling my feelings. While I was doing that a thought came to mind. I wrote it, then I paused again to feel my feelings, another thought came to mind, and I wrote it. That poem came to me in the moment as I allowed myself to pause and feel my feelings.

This process of getting to know myself involves accepting myself as I am. This has meant, for the first time in my life, finding a sense of peace with my turmoil. It has meant realizing that the truth is what is in each moment and to wish it were different, to hide it, to pretend it’s different…to do anything but shine the light on it and give it space to be, is denying the truth, denying myself, and denying my life experience.

I’ve spent a lot of time not living my life. Instead, I’ve done things like try to live other people’s lives for them, lived in the past, lived in the future, and ignored the truth of my own life. No wonder I felt unfulfilled. For most of my life I have attracted struggle and suffering to myself because I have not been living in truth.

Truth is what is, before I interpret, judge, categorize, or manipulate in some way.

My process at the moment is recognizing the truth and accepting it. For me that means:

  • becoming aware of my thoughts and meeting them with acceptance, curiosity, and inquiry instead of identifying with or attempting to deny or change them
  • tuning in to my feelings and allowing them to run their course
  • shining the light on my emotions and allowing them to run their course
  • being aware of who/what I truly am- a part of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe experiencing this physical body, a co-creator of my life, powerful and divine.

Something amazing that has occurred along the way is that abundant resources to help me learn have presented themselves. They have come in the form of books, courses, articles, websites, meditation techniques, new people in my life, and new challenges that have pushed me to face reality and expand my awareness of it. One after the other, after the other, these resources have flowed into my life. I’m so grateful for this abundance. I know now that living the truth welcomes abundance into my life. I have experienced this.

I also know that I am still getting to know myself and learning how to accept myself so I will still face difficulties. The difference is I am starting to welcome those difficulties as opportunities for growth, instead of as failure.

Well, I suppose that’s all for now.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 42- The Journey Continues…

it does not matter how slow

It’s difficult for me to allow myself to be free, confident, and serene. I impose rigid expectations on myself and when I don’t deliver, I feel the muscles in my face, neck, shoulders and lower back become tense. I clench my jaw. I feel my blood becoming acidic. It’s like I have a despot controlling my life from inside my own head. This despot tell me there are certain things that must be done each day and if I don’t do them then it will make me suffer.

When I don’t post in this blog, my despot punishes me. It’s taken something that’s creative, nourishing, and inspiring and turned it into something that dis-empowers and robs me of energy. I start to feel obligated. How does that happen? Sometimes I’m able to let it go and feel peace with my decision. Other times I’m unable. Last night I was unable. I got this idea in my mind that I had to post and if I didn’t it meant that I was a fraud, “un-dedicated”, not truly on a spiritual path…that somehow I was letting others down. Seriously, this is what my despot was telling me. It’s so dramatic!

Well, as you can see, I didn’t post last night. The real me is free and empowered and knows how to live a serene life. After a long day of staring at a computer, and a little relaxation, the real me decided to go to bed. However, the real me is still very subtle at the moment. The depot is loud and overbearing from years of having control. So, I went to bed last night feeling uneasy and I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I had a sense that I couldn’t be at peace unless I wrote this post. How crazy is that?

Of course, as I write, I feel that my despot doesn’t want me to write about this. It doesn’t want me to acknowledge what I’m feeling. Bringing this feeling into the open to shine light on it changes the balance of power. If I accept this feeling then the power is back in my court. If I hide it or ignore it, it becomes more powerful and my true self is shadowed over.

Now, as I write, in this moment, fear is washing over me. I feel my heart constricted and my stomach uneasy. All the new things that have been happening in my life are being rejected by this despot or false self. I want to ignore it and pretend like everything is ok because my false self tells me if I don’t pretend everything is ok then it means that this journey I’m on hasn’t worked. That I’ve failed. That I haven’t made any progress.

Today is day 42. The last day of this “experiment”. Shouldn’t I be feeling accomplished and telling the world what an amazing and inspiring experience this has been? In the moment I feel like I did something wrong. I don’t feel inspired. I feel scared that nothing has changed, that everything I have written in this blog is meaningless. Have I only imagined a different way of being? At the moment I feel no different than I did 43 days ago.

Maybe nothing has changed. I feel tense. Something within me doesn’t want to accept this. Something within me wants something different than the truth of what I feel in this moment. Something within me wants to label this moment as “wrong”.

That’s not my true self.

I call upon my true self in this moment. I call upon the divinity within myself. I call upon love and acceptance to be with me. To help me to open up instead of close down. To help me experience this moment as it truly is. To be and not to judge. To let go of the story and the drama and just feel.

To be. To simply be.                                                                                                                   Not to pretend.                                                                                                                         To accept. To feel free.                                                                                                               To love what is. Not to change.                                                                                                 To go deeper into a silent place where there are no words.                                              A place of stillness and acceptance.                                                                                         where the storm on the surface can be weathered.                                                     where thoughts have no power.                                                                                          The necessity of pausing.                                                                                                        to find this place within.                                                                                                       that can only be found if I slow down.                                                                               and allow myself  to be 100% present.                                                                                     in the truth of this moment.                                                                                                 the truth that can’t be changed.                                                                                           the truth that is.                                                                                                                       To find this place within that knows and feels                                                                      the truth.                                                                                                                                     where there is no past.                                                                                                         where there is no future.                                                                                                           that is not afraid.                                                                                                                    and to settle into it’s sweet serenity.

I feel a little better… and the journey continues…

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 39- Acceptance and Change

I started this 42 day journey because I wanted to change my life. I wasn’t happy. I felt stuck.

The past 38 days have been incredibly impactful and things in my life have begun to shift in meaningful ways. I no longer feel stuck. I feel my life moving forward in the direction that I want it to go. The most interesting thing about this is now that I’ve gotten my life unstuck, now that I feel the momentum, I recognize my own resistance to this momentum. I wanted change, but I recognize now how uncomfortable change can feel- even though it’s wonderful, it’s uncomfortable. Changes in life are scary and uncertain. It’s been difficult at times to accept the changes, even though I know they’re what I asked for. Sometimes I have to remind myself “This is what you’ve been asking for,” while my old self feels the fear and pain of dying. I have to move through that fear and pain (mental, emotional, even sometimes physical) before I realize that on the other side of it I’m still here. This process and the feeling that I survived, gives me energy and strength to keep on opening up and accepting new things into my life- because they keep coming!

What I know now so clearly is that opportunities to change will always be available for me but I have to be open to them. Also, in order to change, first there has to be acceptance. I think my primary job is acceptance. Once I accept what is, the change comes to me…and my job is still acceptance. It’s like acceptance creates a vacuum that brings in more life to accept!

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 37- Opening to Abundance- Part 2

What is abundance? Here’s a basic google definition: abundance- a very large quantity of something.

My last post talked about abundance in terms of wealth, but abundance can relate to anything in life. So I have been pondering, is my life abundant in other areas or does my lack mentality affect more than just my attitude about wealth? Honestly, I think it’s a mixed bag.

One thing I have always felt an abundance of is love. I was raised in an environment of love created by my family and my friends. This is one of the things I am most grateful for in my life. Many people I have met throughout my life have complained about family life or complained about not having true friendships in their lives. I’ve heard people’s stories of dread at the thought of spending time with family or stories of “friends” who have stabbed them in the back, time and time again. I have never experienced these things in my life. When I think of my family and friends my heart feels like it could burst with love and tears often come to my eyes, as they are now…

Another area in which I have experienced abundance of  is adventure. Here’s what google says about that: adventure- an unusual and exciting or daring experience. (yes, I like to look words up in the dictionary)  I have had so many of these types of experiences. From living in a village in Niger, Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer, to jumping off of the tops of waterfalls and cliffs into the waters below. From running almost all the way across the United States, to climbing mountains in Cameroon. Oh, and then there’s being deported from Brazil, spending the first 5 years of my life living in Belize, taking a trip to Costa Rica with a group of students from the school where I was a teacher, sleeping in the sand dunes of the Sahara, and at 14,000+ feet in the mountains of Tibet… there’s more I could mention, but I’ll stop here. These experiences have taught me so much about myself and life and, again, my heart swells with gratitude for these experiences.

Thinking about what I have just written about, I start to become perplexed as to why I often don’t feel like my life abounds in abundance… but I don’t. This what this 42 days has been about. It has been about my desire to awaken to the abundance of life so that I feel it rushing through my veins. I want to feel fully alive and open to all the divine abundance in the universe. All the love, all the prosperity, all the learning, all the feeling, all the joy, all the freedom, all the serenity, all the harmony, all the knowledge…

As I write this, I realize that being open to the abundance of the universe means being open to life itself… How to be open to life itself? Be open to each moment that life presents. Be open to accepting it. Be open to feeling it. Be open to experiencing it fully and humanly. This doesn’t mean picking and choosing what to be open to. It means remaining open and not shutting down. We have the opportunity to do this in every single moment that we experience. And strangely, it doesn’t mean that we will never shut down. But even when we shut down, we have the opportunity to open up to that shutting down (if that makes sense). We can open up and allow everything in every moment. Open up and allow things that seem to go against the truth of divine abundance. Open up to everything, the entirety of life as a human being, in all it’s pain and suffering and joy and love and everything in between. Just remain open and never shut down completely.

Last night my lack mentality was being pushed to it’s limits in the area of money. As I have opened up more in this area, I have been faced with opportunities to open even further. But my limitations are being tested and this is incredibly uncomfortable. Last night I had to make some choices about money. Choices that could have a profound effect on my life. I really struggled. As I was living this experience, I could feel myself wanting to shut down. I was tired and I felt weak. There was so much pressure all around me, it felt stifling. I didn’t want that type of energy to be there, but it was. I felt the feelings in my body, which grounded me a bit and allowed me to keep in mind that what was happening was a good thing, but my emotions were still very powerful.  I allowed myself to go through what I was going through. I wanted to be completely open to what I was being faced with and to be more serene, but I wasn’t. In the end, I did push past my limits but it wasn’t pretty or graceful.

Even though I felt my world as small and limiting last night, I have the opportunity to open up to the truth of that experience today. Today, I choose not to feel bad about how I handled it. I choose not to punish myself. At this moment, if I want to live in truth and suffer less (which I do) it means accepting and allowing my experience last night, without wishing it were different. There’s no way to change it now! There is no right or wrong. There is just being open, accepting, and allowing. That is the openness that lets abundance in and creates freedom. It’s small steps and the journey will last a lifetime…

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 35- Opening to Abundance- Part 1

Ok, it’s time… I’ve been avoiding mentioning a certain topic. Not on purpose. I didn’t realize until I started typing just now why I’ve been avoiding it, but it just hit me. The topic is money and abundance. What just hit me is that the reason I’ve avoided mentioning it is because of my lack mentality.

My mind has made up other reasons, though. My mind has been telling me that it would be inappropriate to talk about my money situation publicly. It’s also been telling me that I shouldn’t talk about it because I don’t have anything important to say. I can see through the charade more now though. My mind is a complete manipulator…it’s becoming more and more obvious.

Here’s the real reason I’ve avoided mentioning the topic of money and abundance. It’s because of the power I’ve given my lack mentality and the aversion my lack mentality has of dying. My lack mentality caused me to be uncomfortable with this topic. My lack mentality wants me to think that money and abundance are none of my business. It wants me to believe I know anything about it. It wants me to be ashamed of admitting my struggles and admitting I’m not where I want to be. My lack mentality wants me to feel powerless in regard to money. And like the do-gooder I am, I have complied.

Things are changing now, though. I can literally feel something shifting within me as I write. I feel differently. I feel more open about it. I feel more confident! I understand why my lack mentality didn’t want me to talk about money. It’s because talking about it is freeing. This freedom is a death to the lack mentality.

I’ve been reading a book called You Were Born Rich, by Bob Proctor (you can get a free copy here if you’re interested). Reading this is something my mind has told me I should be ashamed about. I don’t have to listen to my mind’s advice, though. I choose not to now. Anyway…one of the first things Bob says about money in this book is that money is a servant.  Money is here to serve us, not the other way around. I have felt like a servant to money all of my life. I have given away incredible amounts of my power to money and I have allowed it to control me. I have so identified with my lack mentality that to a certain degree I have believed it was me. Whenever I felt unhappy or stressed about money, my thoughts always settled on the conviction that “No matter how hard I try I will never be wealthy I will always be lack.”

So, why are things shifting for me? Probably for many reasons. I don’t know if I know anything for sure, but I feel it has a least a little to do with these 3 things:

  1. Awakening to the truth that abundance and prosperity are part of divinity, not selfish, shallow desires.
  2. Awakening to the truth that I am powerful  and I am creative and I have the power to create my life the way I want it to be.
  3. Awakening a part of myself that somehow has been able to take action in the direction of abundance and prosperity. Thus proving to my doubting mind, in little ways, that lack doesn’t define me. And gaining more confidence with every little step in the direction of abundance and prosperity.

It’s been little steps. Up to now, so little that I barely felt anything was changing. But all of a sudden I feel it. I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn

Day 33- My Paradigm Shift

My activities on this journey have more or an inward focus lately. At the beginning, as I mentioned in this post a couple of days ago, everything I was doing was very expressive. I was praying out loud and noticing things in the world around me and reaching out to the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe…My actions were also a bit more aggressive. I felt like I was waging a war on my mind and my thoughts. I felt like I had to exert my control or else I would never be able to change. I thought that forcing positive thoughts into my mind was going to bring about the changes I desired in my life. I felt like I had to change so many things in my life because I was doing everything wrong. I didn’t like who I was sometimes and I thought my behavior at times was unacceptable. So I wanted to use force to change myself, and change quickly… and hopefully people would start noticing that something was different about me.

There came a point, however, that all that activity and the struggles didn’t appeal to me anymore. I started to feel like I was slacking or losing my motivation and focus. I was questioning if I was motivated enough to be on this path and why I had lost my the passion that I had in the first couple of weeks. Why did that feel so unsustainable?

As I reflect on all of that, maybe I did lose some motivation for a while. For a while, I was just going through my day. I didn’t pause to pray every 30 minutes like I did when I first started. There was something more peaceful about my state, though. I started to be more in the moment while I was going through my day and my comprehensive To Do List wasn’t weighing me down by putting out constant reminders of everything I have to do between now and the end of next year. It felt good to be able to go about my business without a million other things on my mind.

Then, little by little, a new focus started to grow. This one was quieter. It started after a night that I experienced a lot of anger (that was day 21) and I started looking online for ways to address it. That’s when I started reading about the difference between emotions and feelings and about feeling feelings and the alchemy of feelings. Then all of a sudden, every where I turned there was something about feeling feelings and accepting everything about myself, no matter what it was. When this happened I felt my energy return a bit. I was motivated again to experience this new way of being. From that point on, there has been a subtlety about my focus.

I have been reaching out less… I have been looking in more. There’s less praying and more feeling and accepting. Sometimes it doesn’t feel “right” to pray less and reach out less. Then again, where do my ideas of right and wrong come from? From an uncreative, dogmatic mind? my false self? Recently someone said to me that it’s a good idea to question what is considered right and wrong in the mind of others and even in my own mind! Now that throws everything all topsy turvy! I know that’s what needs to be done, though.

So, here I am today. Being myself and accepting myself. I am becoming aware that connecting with myself is connecting with the divine and I instead of reaching out, I am reaching in. And instead of praying out loud, I am beginning to experience the silence within.

Thanks for reading.

Rosalynn