Day 14- Turning My Thoughts Inside Out

I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I started this experiment, this journey. I feel like it’s been a lifetime, like this is all I’ve ever know. But at the same time, the days seem a bit of a blur. Over the past few days it’s felt like a battle, of sorts. I’ve been confronting some major blocks in my spiritual evolution.

One reason that these blocks may be presenting themselves is that I’ve been inviting the divine into every experience; into moments of beauty and moments of negativity. I have been more fully aware and present during the negative feelings and less attached, feeling them float on the surface like a ripple, rather than a deep wave that overwhelms my entire being. I’ve been welcoming into my path things that I would usually avoid at all costs. Stating to myself that I look forward to things that I would usually dread and finding reasons to back up the claim. “I look forward to doing the dishes.” “I look forward to not going to bed when I’m tired.” “I look forward to losing another blog post because my internet signal wasn’t strong enough to save it.” …and other more serious, private matters. One reason I always come up with for looking forward to these things has to do with the opportunity they give me to practice a new thought pattern. The point of this is to open myself up to the possibility that these things may happen again and to not fear that possibility, but to accept anything that comes into my  path. Arguing with what is, is pointless  and only causes suffering. This allows me to see things with a different perspective from what my thinking mind is feeding me and, thus, to undo the thoughts that cause anger, fear, depression, etc. (See the work of Byron Katie.)

Today I teetered on the verge of being overwhelmed by my emotions in relation to a particular issue. This is an issue that I have allowed to cause major suffering in my life and to utterly dis-empower me. Today, the issue popped up again and this time it was a showdown.

Here’s the scene. I’m minding my own business, doing work and bringing my awareness to the divine reality of the present moment as often as possible, when all of  a sudden, an innocent little seed of a thought comes into my mind. But it’s really not innocent at all, it’s a huge negative monster in disguise, meant to knock me off balance and interrupt any harmony and flow I may have been feeling.

As soon as I entertained the little seed of the negative thought, BANG! It gained momentum and spiraled out of control. All of a sudden my world seemed to be falling apart. I began to panic. I couldn’t concentrate on work anymore. I started pacing around giving the thought more energy and power by worrying about the future and regretting the past… I was completely out of  the present moment and on the verge of tears. But I caught myself. I had enough presence of mind (thanks to all that I’ve been doing over the past two weeks) to take a baby step back out of the story, the drama. I was able to recognize what was happening and to know that I didn’t want to go down that path. I knew I had to do something proactive or the negativity would take over. At first, I tried to keep on working, as a distraction, but that wasn’t enough to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I realized I need to stop everything I was doing and focus on the task at hand. And that’s what I did. I stopped working. I looked online for all the positive affirmations I could on the topic (Thank you Louise Hay) and I wrote them down on a piece of paper. I read them to myself over and over again, calmly and purposefully. Then, I wrote them again on another piece of paper. I came across blogs in which people wrote about how they dealt with this issue, I read them. I downloaded a book on the topic and started reading it. The point being, I didn’t feed the negative thoughts and so they lost their power and momentum. I chose thoughts of love and truth and harmony. Believe it or not, I did this for an hour and a half.

In the end I reached a point where I was not fearful anymore. Where I knew I could “trust in the process of life” and that “all I needed was always taken care of”. I knew that what I was experiencing was what I needed and even what I wanted. Eventually I was able to be grateful for the suffering that this issue has caused me because it’s this suffering that has pushed me to awaken and become aware of a different way of being. In the end, I was even able to look forward to facing this issue again so that I could continue to transform it into fuel for the divine fire burning within me. 

Thanks for reading.


Day 11- Forging My Own Path


What to write today? I open myself up and empty myself out and make space…for the divine in this moment…so that I may feel  and express the divine as I experience it in my own unique way.

I’ve been reading books and passages written by other people who have developed a direct relationship with the divine and what I find is that they influence me quite a bit. I know that I can only truly experience my own unique path, but sometimes I’m tempted to look for what others have described in their experiences.

I’m deciding right now that (for now anyway) I will stop reading about any one else’s account. I don’t want to have expectations or unconsciously shape my experience based on the what someone else experienced. I believe that the Creative Life Force of the Universe can be expressed in as many ways as there are people on the planet. Each of us is a unique expression of the divine and in the reverse sense, a unique vessel for the divine to experience itself.

As I write this, destructive thoughts are popping into my head. They are trying to make me feel embarrassed about doing what I’m doing and the way I’m doing it; trying to make me believe that I’m doing something wrong and ridiculous. They’re telling me that most people who read this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking that I’m wasting my time or just doing it for attention. I’m turning those voices off now.

This is my path and I will do what comes naturally to me. I will not allow shame to block me from expressing myself in whatever way seems most natural in each moment. This is me in this moment, forging my path. My own unique, natural path. Feeling my way through the darkness of my own naturalness which is still largely uncharted territory. I’ve already journeyed quite a bit in the outer world and pushed my limits in physical ways and what amazing experiences I’ve had. Now to explore the inner world. That’s a whole new ballgame!

Thanks for reading.


I Don’t Know What I’m Doing- An Opportunity to Claim My Freedom

I feel a bit lost. I feel a bit alone. How do I do this? I don’t know what to write but I’m dedicated to writing something every day to document this experience.

I’ve been reading a blog called The Invitation. It couldn’t be more relevant to me at the moment. Strangely (or maybe not), the person who writes it, Tathina, was the first person to find my blog.  Something that Tathina discusses a lot is the truth that “This is it.” If we can stop searching and striving we have the opportunity to accept this moment for all that it is, without judgment, and we have the opportunity to accept ourselves just as we are and find something real. This post, Discovering What Cannot Be Spoken, is wonderful; and this poem When One is Truly Thirsty for Truth…well…it resonated with me so much I felt like she wrote it for me!

In light of the “invitation” that Tathina is extending, I will accept this moment and accept who I am in this moment. I will accept the questions and the uncertainty as an experience that is no doubt here to teach me something. If I reject it and label it as “wrong” or “bad” my world becomes smaller and I imprison myself instead of realizing my true freedom. Thank you, Tathina.

Thanks for Reading.


Nothing of great import

I had a rough spell today. It’s a bit disheartening but I think the worst is over. Part of me feels like it’s a setback but another part knows it simply par for the course.

I’m not sure what else to write about it. I could tell the story of what happened. I could explain what I learned from it. I could explain which negative emotions I felt and why…none of that really feels important at the moment though. I don’t feel passionate about writing about any of those things. Maybe there is nothing more to say about it. I had a minor breakdown, it sucked, but I got through it, and now I choose to keep moving forward instead of analyzing the shit out of it, which I completely intended to do when I started writing this post.

I feel like this is a small victory.

…Is that it? Am I done writing about it? …Yes, I think so! Incredible.

Thanks for reading.


Day 5

Today I didn’t feel as connected to the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe as I have on the other days of this experience.  I felt a bit empty and flat at times. However, despite the disconnection I felt on many occasions today, I still experienced the results of my efforts in obvious ways. I had 2 opportunities to lose a lot of energy within the last 48 hours. They were situations that would usually leave me feeling frustrated and wronged for a long period of time. I will admit that I wasn’t completely immune. The change was a matter of degrees. I was more conscious during the disputes and I was able to connect with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe for brief moments during. It was like trying to run up a very steep mountain. The weight of the negativity was like gravity making it difficult to keep an upward momentum. But in the end I did progress. I was not overwhelmed with my negative feelings and I forgot about them quickly once the situation had passed. Usually it’s so very comforting to stew on why I was in the right and the other person was in the wrong. I didn’t do that this time. In fact, as I was writing this passage, I had to think very hard about what one of the situations was. I had almost forgotten. A small victory! I won’t try to remember next time.

The mantra that worked for me today today when I found my mind drifting to something I had just said or done or any other mindless topic was “I am present in this moment with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe.”

I want to see what it’s like to make the divine and sacred the only concern I have. To let go of all other concerns. When I start to think about something else, even if it seems harmless and innocent, I will turn my attention to the divine. Is this possible for me for the rest of these 42 days? I want to say, yes. Will it be easy? Definitely no. Will I succeed? I don’t know. Maybe success doesn’t matter as much as the experience matters. Maybe it’s ok to fail as long as I don’t give up completely. Anyway, I will know more tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.


Day 2- Working Late Part 1

Good morning! I worked late last night and decided not to post before going to bed. Yesterday was interesting. I was out and about most of the day yesterday so didn’t have the convenience of setting an alarm to remind myself to connect with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe every 30 minutes. However, because I had done this the day before for most of the day, my mind was set, in a way, and I found that I was able to be remind myself to connect every few minutes.

After the initial grumpiness of waking up, I struggled a bit with grumpiness but after a short while was able to be in more control of how I perceived what was happening. I was able to put things in perspective and decide that just because something didn’t happen the way I thought it should didn’t mean I had to punish myself by making my world into a negative place and trying to bring others there, too. I was able to lessen the intensity of the negativity and see it as silly and not my choice. That negativity comes from something that is not me and I don’t want that something to be in control of me anymore.

I drove alone quite a bit yesterday and I found it easy to spend most of the driving time connecting with the divine. Worries would pop into my head and when they did, the response that helped me to let them go was to repeat “My life abounds with divine harmony, divine abundance, divine love, divine serenity…” any of the characteristics of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe. When I say these things I also take a moment to feel what it feels like to have these things in my life. It’s a wonderful feeling and for the moment that I believe my life to be these things, I am tuned in to a higher vibration and free from the negativity. Until it returns, a few seconds or minutes later. Then I start all over again.

The longest time I went yesterday without connecting with the divine was when I had lunch with some friends. Before joining up with them, I set my intention, a prayer- that our time together be an expression of the will of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe; that I see the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe in them and that they see it in me, etc. However, as soon as I was with them, my mind was no longer consciously on keeping my connection with the divine. I became invested in our conversation and that took over my attention. It wasn’t until I left that I realized that I wasn’t keeping my divine connection in mind. I immediately took a moment to reconnect. Now I see that this is an area for me to work on.

After lunch I went shopping and this was good practice for me. I was feeling a time crunch and stressed because I wanted to get home and do some work. But I had to go shopping. I had to be there. How silly was it to do something that had to be done and be stressed about it the whole time. I did my best to give myself permission to be there. To remind myself that my life abounds with divine abundance and that means abundant time to do all of the things that need to get done- like buying food!

Well, I do have more to write, for something wonderful happened in the evening. I have to get ready now for working today on the organic farm. So, I will write more later.

Thanks for reading.