Day 23- On lightening Up

Bringing my awareness to my inner blocks has been key in my experience so far. It’s part of a process of freeing myself so that I can have a stronger connection with the divine. Anger, anxiety, fear, stress, doubt, judgment, shame, etc…all of these come in the way of my connection with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe. They steal my attention and my awareness and make me unconscious. They drag me down with their weight into a world of a lower vibration, of suffering and loneliness. The higher vibration is where my true potential lies. For that I must lighten my load. “Lighthearted”. “Enlightened”. I must be light.

This morning, when I woke up I felt a sense of emptiness. There’s still something major within me that is blocking my connection to the divine reality that surrounds me, that’s a part of me, that I’m connected to. If I were truly feeling connected to the amazing world and to the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe, I don’t think I would feel empty or lonely as often as I do. Would I?

I don’t know what the block is. The other day while I was taking a walk, I started wondering about the serious side I have to me. Nature walks are such a time for meditation for me and my awareness of many things expands a great deal on my walks. Anyway, what I started to become more aware of on this walk is that there’s a seriousness to me that prevents me from being silly, especially around others. Sometimes I’m silly when I’m by myself, but hardly ever around others. I know I’m serious far more frequently than I’m silly and I’d like it to be the other way around. What is the seriousness all about? Is it protecting me from something? I’m sure it is. It’s also preventing me from being completely free. I’m at the point where I feel I’m ready to face whatever the seriousness is protecting me from. I’d rather deal with it and move on. It may be painful to deal with, but that’s ok.

For the moment, however, I suppose I just accept where I am. I accept the emptiness and seriousness. Not accepting is choosing the lower vibration. Acceptance gives me access to the higher vibration. So even in the moment when I feel heavy, I still have a choice to feel heavier or to lighten my load. There’s always an opportunity to lighten up through acceptance of what is. Wishing reality were different than it is: heavy.

It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? It always comes back to the simple act of acceptance of each moment. I’ve been so used to trying to figure out how to change myself but coming at it all wrong. Wishing I were different. That’s really heavy. The concept of acceptance is still sinking in. I just need to keep reminding myself and I know eventually I’ll get there,…or maybe I am there!

Thanks for reading.



Day 21- A Conversation with Anger

Anger: ROAR!!! I’m mad!

Me: Hello, anger. I hear you. I’m listening.

Anger: Why are you talking to me? Just let me take control.  I don’t want to talk to you, I just want to exert my power over you like I always do.

Me: Why are you here?

Anger: Because you’ve been wronged and it’s not fair! I’m trying to get you to stand up for yourself! You can’t let someone treat you that way! You’re right and they’re wrong! If you don’t stand up for yourself, that person is going to keep on doing what they’re doing and completely take advantage of your niceness.

Me: You’re right! I do have to stand up for myself! I am right! Why should I be the one who goes out of my way! I’m too nice and I don’t want to be taken advantage of!…But wait…I don’t want to be mad…There’s got to be a different side to this…What can I learn from you, anger?

Anger: You can learn to keep control of the situation, make sure everything always goes your way and force others to conform to your expectations for their behavior!

Me: Oh. Why do you think that’s important?

Anger: Because it’s uncomfortable if things don’t go your way and who knows what will happen if you give up control of the situation. Plus, if someone doesn’t act like you expect them to act, then they must not care what you think? Why spend time with someone who doesn’t want to please you and do what you tell them to do? Especially when you’re right and you’re such a nice peson! Why can’t they be nice to you and let you know they care?!

Me: Hmmm…where do you come from, anger?

Anger: I come form a place inside of you that feels hurt, that feels ignored and devalued. I’m here to protect you from those feelings and to assure you that the person who made you feel that way is wrong.

Me: Well…what if I decide I don’t need to be valued by others because I can value myself? What if I don’t depend on someone else to meet my needs? Then that other person can be whoever they want to be. What if the other person wasn’t actually doing anything to hurt me on purpose? What it they are just caught up in themselves and their issues…I understand that…I can relate. So, maybe I don’t need to get so defensive. That’s not the person I really want to be..and besides, I value other people’s independence and free will. I don’t really want to control anyone’s behavior. I don’t have to be afraid of what will happen if someone else doesn’t do what I want them to do! I can handle it, whatever it is…I trust in the process of life and I know I’m safe.

End of conversation.

I really struggled with resolving this conversation. To be honest, no response came from inside myself when I asked the question “Where do you come from, anger?” I listened really hard, but I kept wanting to justify my anger. So, I took the liberty of doing a little research and that’s how I was able to end the conversation. Here are the sources that helped me to finish the conversation:
Source 1
Source 2

Thanks for reading.


Day 20- Things I Do Differently Now- Part II

Yesterday, I started making a list of things I do differently now that I’ve decided to focus on my spiritual reality. Here are a few more things:

4. When I go on a walk in nature, I talk out loud to the divine force(s) all around me. I feel especially connected to the divine vibration of life when I am surrounded by nature. I often speak as if I were speaking to a friend about all the amazing and beautiful things I see and experience, or I ask for guidance to enable me to connect with and learn from the natural world to my greatest potential. I speak the spontaneous insights and realizations that I have about life, I affirm my commitment to being present in the moment with an awareness of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe and to continue along the path of knowledge of this force and of my true self. I ask for guidance in sharing what I experience on this path with others. I remind myself of what my true potential is on this path. That I am a co-creator and that I can create my life as I want it to be. I do all of this outloud (as long as there’s no one else on the path I’m on…which there usually isn’t :))

5. I do mini-ceremonies inviting Spirit into my life, inviting Spirit to fill my body and mind so that I may express it in my life.

6. I imagine my life as I would like it to be, realizing my full potential as a spiritual human being, and as often as I can, I live that perspective in my present moment. I act in accordance with the image I create with the confidence that this potential is my reality.

Why do I write about these strange and private things? I’m not really sure, yet. It may be for myself. To help me clarify the process. It may be to simply document the process. It may be to give some of what I am gaining to anyone who finds it useful or helpful. I’m not sure, yet. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

Thanks for reading.


What My Anxiety Told Me Today (and My Response)

I woke up anxious today, like I do most days.

This is what my anxiety told me when I questioned why it was here: I’m here to remind you of things that I think you should be afraid of… so that you start figuring out ways to change the situation and avoid the negative repercussions that you don’t want…or so that you can begin to emotionally shield yourself from the negative repercussions.

My response: I don’t have to be afraid of anything. I trust in the process of life, there’s nothing I have to figure out. What is is what I want. All I need is always taken care of. I am safe.  I can “let go and let God”.

Day 19- Things I Do Differently Now- Part I

I’m almost half way to my 42 days…Thing is, it’s not about the 42 days anymore, though. This is an experience that will be the focus of the rest of my life. Wow! That’s quite a statement…

When I decided to do this for 42 days I thought “I’ll dedicate the next 42 days to an intense focus on the divine and see where that leads me, see if that makes a change in my life.” But what I’ve realized is it’s not like a diet or a juice fast or a workout regime. It doesn’t have a cut-off date or a specific number of days before I can say “I did it!” When the 42 days is over, I’m not going to stop what I’m doing. I don’t even think I will give the process less focus. What I didn’t realize when I started this was that once I dedicated myself, it was a final goodbye to living life as I was living before. Why? Because living life as I was before doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I see with such clarity how the patterns in my thoughts and behaviors were holding me back and blocking me from experiencing the this amazing world. I can’t claim that I have made much progress along this new path yet, but the amazing thing is that even with the initial glimpse of what is possible my life feels so different.

I don’t know if I’ve done a very good job of describing how my life is different. Here are some things that I do differently now:

1. Several times an hour, no matter what I’m doing, I invite the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe into the moment with me to experience what I’m experiencing. I say “Enable me to experience this moment to my fullest potential and to express you in all that I do.” I could be working, I could be walking to the store, I could be gazing into the moonlit sky. It doesn’t matter. I want all of my moments to be filled with the divine presence.

2. When I’m experiencing something unpleasant or my emotions feel like they are going to overwhelm me, I invite the Great Creative Life Force into the moment with me and ask it to experience it with me, as well. So that it can experience my human-ness. And I ask that it enable me to accept whatever it is I’m feeling.

3. I’ve started to talk to my unpleasant emotions and thoughts (stress, anxiety, anger) and to let them know that I’m listening to them, that I won’t ignore them anymore and try to push them away. I’ve started to question them and ask them why they’re there, what they’re trying to do. This is quite a big step for me because it takes a degree of presence that I’ve never had before. My initial response to these emotions, in an attempt to stay in the moment, has been to replace them with more positive thoughts. It’s been all I could do. It’s when I’ve felt like my thoughts and emotions were stronger than me that I’ve had the need to replace them and push them out of my mind. I don’t know if this is the most productive thing to do. Maybe it’s ok, maybe it’s not. Either way I know I’ll still have to do this frequently because I’m still very vulnerable to being overwhelmed at times. Replacing the reactive, out of control thoughts with purposeful, constructive thoughts is better than giving in to a negative downward spiral. However, I do see the benefits of listening to my unpleasant/negative thoughts and emotions. I have a feeling there is something to learn from them that I won’t necessarily learn if I push them away and replace them. And once the lesson is learned, then the negativity doesn’t have the power over me that it once did. I’m excited that I feel stronger and more mindful in some of these difficult moments. It’s also strange to have 2 completely different trains of thought going on in my head at once.

Well, there are many more things that I’ve been doing differently these days, but I’ve been writing for quite a while already. I will write more on this topic tomorrow…unless something more pressing or interesting presents itself.

Thanks for reading.


Day 18

Yesterday I was so tired after working on the farm all day that I went to bed early. Tonight I have started over at least three times and now I’m deciding, I just don’t know what to write…and I’m really tired again. I don’t know why nothing is coming to me. All day long I have interesting experiences. But lately when I sit down to write, I don’t feel compelled to say anything. But I’m not going to force it. This is my experience in this moment. I’m tired and I have nothing else to say. I’m going to go to bed now. Good night.

Thanks for reading.


Day 16- On Moving Forward and Not Being Stuck Anymore

I don’t think I will go back to living life the way I was living it before I started this experience. Although putting my awareness on the present moment and my connection with the divine in the present moment, over and over again, is quite mentally tiring, it’s getting easier. It’s begun to feel more natural. I think I would feel a serious lack if I stopped doing it.

I’ve become very aware of my thoughts over the past couple of weeks. What a bunch of negative messages I’ve been sending to myself for most of my life! No wonder I’ve felt stuck in a rut.

During the past 5 years, or so, I’ve been trying to figure out how to move my life forward in a meaningful way. I’ve felt like I worked hard in my outer and inner worlds, but my hard work never seemed to get me anywhere, except to places where I worked hard again. A lot of times I’ve felt like I was journeying up a steep mountain, putting in so much effort. But when I reached a pinnacle, I would look back and see that what had seemed like a mountain, was really a plateau. I wasn’t reaching new heights, at all!

Today I understand more what has been keeping me stuck. All the efforts I’ve been making have been misplaced. I’ve been so concerned with doing good things because I’ve felt inside that I wasn’t good enough. In other words, I’ve been trying to make myself “good” by doing “good” things. How could I possibly feel fulfilled if I was denying my own inherent goodness? I have been busy doing things and waiting for approval from others to confirm my worth. How obviously misguided, but I haven’t been able to see it. Intellectually, I could tell myself or anyone else that it’s not productive to gauge my self-worth on the opinions of others; that seeking approval from others will only lead to suffering. However, since that state of being has been all I’ve known for so long, in my mind I couldn’t perceive any other way being. I didn’t have a perspective on how I was living because my thoughts were doing such an amazing job of keeping me programmed to do the same thing over and over again, while at the same time I began to want different results. Insane? I believe so.

Most of my life I have sought approval of others and I have gotten very good at getting it. So good, that my mind tricked me into believing that approval from others was one of the most satisfying things I could experience and one of the most important things to strive for. This is where a large part of my efforts have gone and why my life has seemed to plateau. It wasn’t until two weeks ago when I started giving my regular thoughts less and less time in my mind that I began to see the reality of my current experience more clearly, and where it fell short. Through continually bringing my awareness to the divine, I have begun to experience what it’s like to be filled with the divinity of my own being and to experience my own power, which I have been so generously giving away to others for so many years.

That’s not to say that I regret or reject the experiences that I’ve had throughout my life. So many of my experiences have been amazing! I’ve learned so much, shared beautiful moments with people along the way, and I believe that I have made positive contributions to the world. What I’m realizing now is that doing those things to prove my goodness to myself and to the world was never going to fulfill me. The direction I’ve been going in over the past 2 weeks has fulfilled me in ways that I’ve never experienced before. I know this is the start of a new life and I look forward to exposing more and more of my old thought patterns to the divine light of truth so that I can transform their energy into something much  more meaningful to myself and the world.

Thanks for reading.


Day 14- Turning My Thoughts Inside Out

I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I started this experiment, this journey. I feel like it’s been a lifetime, like this is all I’ve ever know. But at the same time, the days seem a bit of a blur. Over the past few days it’s felt like a battle, of sorts. I’ve been confronting some major blocks in my spiritual evolution.

One reason that these blocks may be presenting themselves is that I’ve been inviting the divine into every experience; into moments of beauty and moments of negativity. I have been more fully aware and present during the negative feelings and less attached, feeling them float on the surface like a ripple, rather than a deep wave that overwhelms my entire being. I’ve been welcoming into my path things that I would usually avoid at all costs. Stating to myself that I look forward to things that I would usually dread and finding reasons to back up the claim. “I look forward to doing the dishes.” “I look forward to not going to bed when I’m tired.” “I look forward to losing another blog post because my internet signal wasn’t strong enough to save it.” …and other more serious, private matters. One reason I always come up with for looking forward to these things has to do with the opportunity they give me to practice a new thought pattern. The point of this is to open myself up to the possibility that these things may happen again and to not fear that possibility, but to accept anything that comes into my  path. Arguing with what is, is pointless  and only causes suffering. This allows me to see things with a different perspective from what my thinking mind is feeding me and, thus, to undo the thoughts that cause anger, fear, depression, etc. (See the work of Byron Katie.)

Today I teetered on the verge of being overwhelmed by my emotions in relation to a particular issue. This is an issue that I have allowed to cause major suffering in my life and to utterly dis-empower me. Today, the issue popped up again and this time it was a showdown.

Here’s the scene. I’m minding my own business, doing work and bringing my awareness to the divine reality of the present moment as often as possible, when all of  a sudden, an innocent little seed of a thought comes into my mind. But it’s really not innocent at all, it’s a huge negative monster in disguise, meant to knock me off balance and interrupt any harmony and flow I may have been feeling.

As soon as I entertained the little seed of the negative thought, BANG! It gained momentum and spiraled out of control. All of a sudden my world seemed to be falling apart. I began to panic. I couldn’t concentrate on work anymore. I started pacing around giving the thought more energy and power by worrying about the future and regretting the past… I was completely out of  the present moment and on the verge of tears. But I caught myself. I had enough presence of mind (thanks to all that I’ve been doing over the past two weeks) to take a baby step back out of the story, the drama. I was able to recognize what was happening and to know that I didn’t want to go down that path. I knew I had to do something proactive or the negativity would take over. At first, I tried to keep on working, as a distraction, but that wasn’t enough to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I realized I need to stop everything I was doing and focus on the task at hand. And that’s what I did. I stopped working. I looked online for all the positive affirmations I could on the topic (Thank you Louise Hay) and I wrote them down on a piece of paper. I read them to myself over and over again, calmly and purposefully. Then, I wrote them again on another piece of paper. I came across blogs in which people wrote about how they dealt with this issue, I read them. I downloaded a book on the topic and started reading it. The point being, I didn’t feed the negative thoughts and so they lost their power and momentum. I chose thoughts of love and truth and harmony. Believe it or not, I did this for an hour and a half.

In the end I reached a point where I was not fearful anymore. Where I knew I could “trust in the process of life” and that “all I needed was always taken care of”. I knew that what I was experiencing was what I needed and even what I wanted. Eventually I was able to be grateful for the suffering that this issue has caused me because it’s this suffering that has pushed me to awaken and become aware of a different way of being. In the end, I was even able to look forward to facing this issue again so that I could continue to transform it into fuel for the divine fire burning within me. 

Thanks for reading.


The Most Powerful Thing I’ve Heard in While

Someone told me a story today about a woman who was doing a shamanic apprenticeship in Peru. One aspect of this apprenticeship was taking Ayahuasca. During her Ayahuasca journeys, she always asked to speak with God. Finally, one time she had the opportunity. What God said was that she was the perfect daughter. That everything that she had ever done was perfect- what she had considered good and what she had considered bad. It made no difference to God.

When I heard this story, it resonated with me in such a deep way that I immediately felt a sense of relief and freedom. It was as if a long held burden had suddenly been lifted. As if a question I have been holding inside myself was finally answered through this woman in Peru, through time and space, through this story. I felt the truth of the words and I believed them. For the first time ever.

Thanks for reading.