Day 42- The Journey Continues…

it does not matter how slow

It’s difficult for me to allow myself to be free, confident, and serene. I impose rigid expectations on myself and when I don’t deliver, I feel the muscles in my face, neck, shoulders and lower back become tense. I clench my jaw. I feel my blood becoming acidic. It’s like I have a despot controlling my life from inside my own head. This despot tell me there are certain things that must be done each day and if I don’t do them then it will make me suffer.

When I don’t post in this blog, my despot punishes me. It’s taken something that’s creative, nourishing, and inspiring and turned it into something that dis-empowers and robs me of energy. I start to feel obligated. How does that happen? Sometimes I’m able to let it go and feel peace with my decision. Other times I’m unable. Last night I was unable. I got this idea in my mind that I had to post and if I didn’t it meant that I was a fraud, “un-dedicated”, not truly on a spiritual path…that somehow I was letting others down. Seriously, this is what my despot was telling me. It’s so dramatic!

Well, as you can see, I didn’t post last night. The real me is free and empowered and knows how to live a serene life. After a long day of staring at a computer, and a little relaxation, the real me decided to go to bed. However, the real me is still very subtle at the moment. The depot is loud and overbearing from years of having control. So, I went to bed last night feeling uneasy and I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I had a sense that I couldn’t be at peace unless I wrote this post. How crazy is that?

Of course, as I write, I feel that my despot doesn’t want me to write about this. It doesn’t want me to acknowledge what I’m feeling. Bringing this feeling into the open to shine light on it changes the balance of power. If I accept this feeling then the power is back in my court. If I hide it or ignore it, it becomes more powerful and my true self is shadowed over.

Now, as I write, in this moment, fear is washing over me. I feel my heart constricted and my stomach uneasy. All the new things that have been happening in my life are being rejected by this despot or false self. I want to ignore it and pretend like everything is ok because my false self tells me if I don’t pretend everything is ok then it means that this journey I’m on hasn’t worked. That I’ve failed. That I haven’t made any progress.

Today is day 42. The last day of this “experiment”. Shouldn’t I be feeling accomplished and telling the world what an amazing and inspiring experience this has been? In the moment I feel like I did something wrong. I don’t feel inspired. I feel scared that nothing has changed, that everything I have written in this blog is meaningless. Have I only imagined a different way of being? At the moment I feel no different than I did 43 days ago.

Maybe nothing has changed. I feel tense. Something within me doesn’t want to accept this. Something within me wants something different than the truth of what I feel in this moment. Something within me wants to label this moment as “wrong”.

That’s not my true self.

I call upon my true self in this moment. I call upon the divinity within myself. I call upon love and acceptance to be with me. To help me to open up instead of close down. To help me experience this moment as it truly is. To be and not to judge. To let go of the story and the drama and just feel.

To be. To simply be.                                                                                                                   Not to pretend.                                                                                                                         To accept. To feel free.                                                                                                               To love what is. Not to change.                                                                                                 To go deeper into a silent place where there are no words.                                              A place of stillness and acceptance.                                                                                         where the storm on the surface can be weathered.                                                     where thoughts have no power.                                                                                          The necessity of pausing.                                                                                                        to find this place within.                                                                                                       that can only be found if I slow down.                                                                               and allow myself  to be 100% present.                                                                                     in the truth of this moment.                                                                                                 the truth that can’t be changed.                                                                                           the truth that is.                                                                                                                       To find this place within that knows and feels                                                                      the truth.                                                                                                                                     where there is no past.                                                                                                         where there is no future.                                                                                                           that is not afraid.                                                                                                                    and to settle into it’s sweet serenity.

I feel a little better… and the journey continues…

Thanks for reading.



Day 21- A Conversation with Anger

Anger: ROAR!!! I’m mad!

Me: Hello, anger. I hear you. I’m listening.

Anger: Why are you talking to me? Just let me take control.  I don’t want to talk to you, I just want to exert my power over you like I always do.

Me: Why are you here?

Anger: Because you’ve been wronged and it’s not fair! I’m trying to get you to stand up for yourself! You can’t let someone treat you that way! You’re right and they’re wrong! If you don’t stand up for yourself, that person is going to keep on doing what they’re doing and completely take advantage of your niceness.

Me: You’re right! I do have to stand up for myself! I am right! Why should I be the one who goes out of my way! I’m too nice and I don’t want to be taken advantage of!…But wait…I don’t want to be mad…There’s got to be a different side to this…What can I learn from you, anger?

Anger: You can learn to keep control of the situation, make sure everything always goes your way and force others to conform to your expectations for their behavior!

Me: Oh. Why do you think that’s important?

Anger: Because it’s uncomfortable if things don’t go your way and who knows what will happen if you give up control of the situation. Plus, if someone doesn’t act like you expect them to act, then they must not care what you think? Why spend time with someone who doesn’t want to please you and do what you tell them to do? Especially when you’re right and you’re such a nice peson! Why can’t they be nice to you and let you know they care?!

Me: Hmmm…where do you come from, anger?

Anger: I come form a place inside of you that feels hurt, that feels ignored and devalued. I’m here to protect you from those feelings and to assure you that the person who made you feel that way is wrong.

Me: Well…what if I decide I don’t need to be valued by others because I can value myself? What if I don’t depend on someone else to meet my needs? Then that other person can be whoever they want to be. What if the other person wasn’t actually doing anything to hurt me on purpose? What it they are just caught up in themselves and their issues…I understand that…I can relate. So, maybe I don’t need to get so defensive. That’s not the person I really want to be..and besides, I value other people’s independence and free will. I don’t really want to control anyone’s behavior. I don’t have to be afraid of what will happen if someone else doesn’t do what I want them to do! I can handle it, whatever it is…I trust in the process of life and I know I’m safe.

End of conversation.

I really struggled with resolving this conversation. To be honest, no response came from inside myself when I asked the question “Where do you come from, anger?” I listened really hard, but I kept wanting to justify my anger. So, I took the liberty of doing a little research and that’s how I was able to end the conversation. Here are the sources that helped me to finish the conversation:
Source 1
Source 2

Thanks for reading.


Day 19- Things I Do Differently Now- Part I

I’m almost half way to my 42 days…Thing is, it’s not about the 42 days anymore, though. This is an experience that will be the focus of the rest of my life. Wow! That’s quite a statement…

When I decided to do this for 42 days I thought “I’ll dedicate the next 42 days to an intense focus on the divine and see where that leads me, see if that makes a change in my life.” But what I’ve realized is it’s not like a diet or a juice fast or a workout regime. It doesn’t have a cut-off date or a specific number of days before I can say “I did it!” When the 42 days is over, I’m not going to stop what I’m doing. I don’t even think I will give the process less focus. What I didn’t realize when I started this was that once I dedicated myself, it was a final goodbye to living life as I was living before. Why? Because living life as I was before doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I see with such clarity how the patterns in my thoughts and behaviors were holding me back and blocking me from experiencing the this amazing world. I can’t claim that I have made much progress along this new path yet, but the amazing thing is that even with the initial glimpse of what is possible my life feels so different.

I don’t know if I’ve done a very good job of describing how my life is different. Here are some things that I do differently now:

1. Several times an hour, no matter what I’m doing, I invite the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe into the moment with me to experience what I’m experiencing. I say “Enable me to experience this moment to my fullest potential and to express you in all that I do.” I could be working, I could be walking to the store, I could be gazing into the moonlit sky. It doesn’t matter. I want all of my moments to be filled with the divine presence.

2. When I’m experiencing something unpleasant or my emotions feel like they are going to overwhelm me, I invite the Great Creative Life Force into the moment with me and ask it to experience it with me, as well. So that it can experience my human-ness. And I ask that it enable me to accept whatever it is I’m feeling.

3. I’ve started to talk to my unpleasant emotions and thoughts (stress, anxiety, anger) and to let them know that I’m listening to them, that I won’t ignore them anymore and try to push them away. I’ve started to question them and ask them why they’re there, what they’re trying to do. This is quite a big step for me because it takes a degree of presence that I’ve never had before. My initial response to these emotions, in an attempt to stay in the moment, has been to replace them with more positive thoughts. It’s been all I could do. It’s when I’ve felt like my thoughts and emotions were stronger than me that I’ve had the need to replace them and push them out of my mind. I don’t know if this is the most productive thing to do. Maybe it’s ok, maybe it’s not. Either way I know I’ll still have to do this frequently because I’m still very vulnerable to being overwhelmed at times. Replacing the reactive, out of control thoughts with purposeful, constructive thoughts is better than giving in to a negative downward spiral. However, I do see the benefits of listening to my unpleasant/negative thoughts and emotions. I have a feeling there is something to learn from them that I won’t necessarily learn if I push them away and replace them. And once the lesson is learned, then the negativity doesn’t have the power over me that it once did. I’m excited that I feel stronger and more mindful in some of these difficult moments. It’s also strange to have 2 completely different trains of thought going on in my head at once.

Well, there are many more things that I’ve been doing differently these days, but I’ve been writing for quite a while already. I will write more on this topic tomorrow…unless something more pressing or interesting presents itself.

Thanks for reading.


Day 14- Turning My Thoughts Inside Out

I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I started this experiment, this journey. I feel like it’s been a lifetime, like this is all I’ve ever know. But at the same time, the days seem a bit of a blur. Over the past few days it’s felt like a battle, of sorts. I’ve been confronting some major blocks in my spiritual evolution.

One reason that these blocks may be presenting themselves is that I’ve been inviting the divine into every experience; into moments of beauty and moments of negativity. I have been more fully aware and present during the negative feelings and less attached, feeling them float on the surface like a ripple, rather than a deep wave that overwhelms my entire being. I’ve been welcoming into my path things that I would usually avoid at all costs. Stating to myself that I look forward to things that I would usually dread and finding reasons to back up the claim. “I look forward to doing the dishes.” “I look forward to not going to bed when I’m tired.” “I look forward to losing another blog post because my internet signal wasn’t strong enough to save it.” …and other more serious, private matters. One reason I always come up with for looking forward to these things has to do with the opportunity they give me to practice a new thought pattern. The point of this is to open myself up to the possibility that these things may happen again and to not fear that possibility, but to accept anything that comes into my  path. Arguing with what is, is pointless  and only causes suffering. This allows me to see things with a different perspective from what my thinking mind is feeding me and, thus, to undo the thoughts that cause anger, fear, depression, etc. (See the work of Byron Katie.)

Today I teetered on the verge of being overwhelmed by my emotions in relation to a particular issue. This is an issue that I have allowed to cause major suffering in my life and to utterly dis-empower me. Today, the issue popped up again and this time it was a showdown.

Here’s the scene. I’m minding my own business, doing work and bringing my awareness to the divine reality of the present moment as often as possible, when all of  a sudden, an innocent little seed of a thought comes into my mind. But it’s really not innocent at all, it’s a huge negative monster in disguise, meant to knock me off balance and interrupt any harmony and flow I may have been feeling.

As soon as I entertained the little seed of the negative thought, BANG! It gained momentum and spiraled out of control. All of a sudden my world seemed to be falling apart. I began to panic. I couldn’t concentrate on work anymore. I started pacing around giving the thought more energy and power by worrying about the future and regretting the past… I was completely out of  the present moment and on the verge of tears. But I caught myself. I had enough presence of mind (thanks to all that I’ve been doing over the past two weeks) to take a baby step back out of the story, the drama. I was able to recognize what was happening and to know that I didn’t want to go down that path. I knew I had to do something proactive or the negativity would take over. At first, I tried to keep on working, as a distraction, but that wasn’t enough to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I realized I need to stop everything I was doing and focus on the task at hand. And that’s what I did. I stopped working. I looked online for all the positive affirmations I could on the topic (Thank you Louise Hay) and I wrote them down on a piece of paper. I read them to myself over and over again, calmly and purposefully. Then, I wrote them again on another piece of paper. I came across blogs in which people wrote about how they dealt with this issue, I read them. I downloaded a book on the topic and started reading it. The point being, I didn’t feed the negative thoughts and so they lost their power and momentum. I chose thoughts of love and truth and harmony. Believe it or not, I did this for an hour and a half.

In the end I reached a point where I was not fearful anymore. Where I knew I could “trust in the process of life” and that “all I needed was always taken care of”. I knew that what I was experiencing was what I needed and even what I wanted. Eventually I was able to be grateful for the suffering that this issue has caused me because it’s this suffering that has pushed me to awaken and become aware of a different way of being. In the end, I was even able to look forward to facing this issue again so that I could continue to transform it into fuel for the divine fire burning within me. 

Thanks for reading.


Day 11- Forging My Own Path


What to write today? I open myself up and empty myself out and make space…for the divine in this moment…so that I may feel  and express the divine as I experience it in my own unique way.

I’ve been reading books and passages written by other people who have developed a direct relationship with the divine and what I find is that they influence me quite a bit. I know that I can only truly experience my own unique path, but sometimes I’m tempted to look for what others have described in their experiences.

I’m deciding right now that (for now anyway) I will stop reading about any one else’s account. I don’t want to have expectations or unconsciously shape my experience based on the what someone else experienced. I believe that the Creative Life Force of the Universe can be expressed in as many ways as there are people on the planet. Each of us is a unique expression of the divine and in the reverse sense, a unique vessel for the divine to experience itself.

As I write this, destructive thoughts are popping into my head. They are trying to make me feel embarrassed about doing what I’m doing and the way I’m doing it; trying to make me believe that I’m doing something wrong and ridiculous. They’re telling me that most people who read this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking that I’m wasting my time or just doing it for attention. I’m turning those voices off now.

This is my path and I will do what comes naturally to me. I will not allow shame to block me from expressing myself in whatever way seems most natural in each moment. This is me in this moment, forging my path. My own unique, natural path. Feeling my way through the darkness of my own naturalness which is still largely uncharted territory. I’ve already journeyed quite a bit in the outer world and pushed my limits in physical ways and what amazing experiences I’ve had. Now to explore the inner world. That’s a whole new ballgame!

Thanks for reading.


Reclaiming My Personal Power Through Letting Go

letting go

I worked on the farm today and that helped me to be in a different head-space. It’s much easier for me to be tuned into the divine when I’m outside in nature. It occurred to me that I depending on nature to help me feel a connection with the divine is depending on something outside of myself. I know I have all that I need within myself but I guess this is where I’m at at the moment.

I spent most of today turning my thoughts to the awareness that I was present with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe, with divine love, harmony, truth, serenity, wisdom, abundance, prosperity…I reminded myself over and over that this is the actual truth and reality, that I don’t have to do anything to bring this about. I just have to be aware of it and accept it. I also called upon the wisdom, guidance, and insight of my own inner teacher to help me know how to live this truth.

Here’s something I’ve decided to take action on. There’s an attitude I have toward a situation that occurs on a regular basis and a related behavior that I know is very draining on me. I’m constantly giving away my power in this situation by losing a lot of energy and feeling helpless, stressed, and sorry for myself. And the situation is something that’s completely outside of myself yet I’ve been trying to control it- completely unsuccessfully. Today I decided I’ve had enough. I’m taking my power back by taking action in regard to the things that I do have control over- my thoughts, emotions, and actions. Every moment of life I have a choice to act in a conscious, mindful way to what comes onto my path or to react and allow myself to suffer needlessly. My pattern has been to invite the suffering in.

From this point forward, I choose to let go of this pattern and to let go of trying to control the situation. How to do this? In the book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes “How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don’t want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it.” It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple. I’m ready.

Thanks for reading.


The Necessity of Pausing

Well, yesterday did not feel like a very successful day…I kind of took a time-out. It was a rainy, cloudy day here and that’s how my mood felt, too. I didn’t do many of the daily rituals that I’ve been doing. I didn’t take a walk. I didn’t do yoga. I didn’t tidy up the house. I didn’t say any prayers of mantras. All of the meditative-type things that I usually do were missing from my day. My connection to the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe was very weak. I think the “muscles” of my mind were tired.

Today I’m feeling a bit daunted by the task ahead of me. What I managed to do last week, the focus I had, all of a sudden seems unsustainable. At the moment, I wish I could run away into the woods, put all of my regular life responsibilities aside and spend the next 30-something days communing with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe alone, with no interruptions. …but that ain’t gonna happen… So, now what? How do I keep my connection to the divine in the midst of working, spending time with other people, and managing my “to do” list (By the way, I’ve begun to strongly dislike to do lists, but I always seem to have one, either mentally or physically. Does anyone else feel like they are major stress inducers?)

I think the answer is I have to pause. It’s a non-negotiable for this journey. I can’t do work for 5 hours without pausing to go inside of myself, to empty and open myself to the divinity that is all around me and a part of me at that very moment, to be present in the moment with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe- even if it’s just for a few second or a minute. I also think I must have intervals of longer pausing and meditation. I have to recharge! I thought maybe since this experiment was one in living my life as a meditation, that I wouldn’t have to sit or walk and meditate regularly. Wrong. At least for the time being. I’m not there  yet. My mind is not disciplined enough.

Thanks for Reading.


Day 6- A taste of freedom

So much happens in a day, it’s difficult to pick and choose what to write about. I have spent a minute clearing my mind and emptying myself out so that I can be more in tune with that which comes from the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe.

Yesterday was one of the most different days of my entire life. When I say that my life is transformed it is true. It may seem no different on the outside, but the inside is unrecognizable. I can’t say I was successful with keeping my thoughts 100% on the divine world all around me. However, never in my life have I been able to turn my thoughts around with such speed. I’m getting more skilled at recognizing thoughts that come along to steal away my serenity, harmony, and freedom. Yesterday when a thought of that type peeked it’s head into my mind, I was confident that I didn’t have to give it room to enter. Yesterday, more than anything, I was confident that I truly did not have to think about anything but the presence of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe all around me. I let go of all other thoughts knowing that they were less important than focusing on the divine presence.

As I write this post, I find myself wanting to pause after every point to empty my mind out again and invite the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe to speak through me. In a way I can’t believe that it’s me writing these words. As my eyes read them I wonder, “Have I gone crazy?” Who is this person writing as if she were a holy person. I have never spoken words like this to anyone. As I write I wonder how these words will be taken, but then the next instant I remind myself that it doesn’t matter. I am like a split personality at the moment because my life and my thoughts are changing so rapidly. I find within myself a fear. What if…What if this is all false. What if I am making it up? I don’t know that answer to that, yet. When I am alone conversing with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe inside my own mind, I am not afraid. Yesterday, I conversed out loud with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe, as well. I took a walk along a levada. There was no one around. It was like talking to a friend. I enjoyed it. I felt safe. But now, making this known to other people, that’s when the fear and doubt and shame comes in. It doesn’t feel safe. I fear judgment. So, then shall I keep it to myself? I don’t think so. I think this experience wants to be shared.

I will allow myself the freedom to be whoever it is I feel the inclination to be during this 42-day experiment. I guess there is safety in allowing it as part of an experiment 😉 I am realizing at this moment that I don’t need to take myself so seriously. A wave of acceptance just swept over me. It’s ok to be a little crazy I think. It’s ok to try new things, to try on new versions of myself. Like a little girl playing dress-up, practicing to be a lady. Think of how silly she looks wearing her mother’s high-heels and dress. But that doesn’t matter to her because she feels glorious and elegant! And because of the innocence of children, they have confidence in what they do and we love them all the more for their silliness. They don’t yet know of or fear the type of judgment that we, as adults, cast upon one another.

So for today I will not fear what I have written of how I have written it. I will let go of thoughts warning me what it may sound like to others and I will focus on how the experience feels. For I do feel glorious! Yesterday my adult mind was the free-est it’s ever been. That is a gift and I am grateful for the experience. I feel the need to add that although it was the free-est it ever been, I was not completely free. There was a sense of unsettling anxiety bubbling somewhere. I don’t know exactly what it was but I didn’t allow it to become a concern. I was aware of it, but did not make anything of it. What is that feeling of anxiety about? I don’t know, but I’ve decided I don’t need to be concerned about it. I will watch it so that it doesn’t hide and grow, but I will not worry about it, I will not stress about it, I will not try to figure it out. It’s just there.

Thanks for reading.


Hello world!

This is my very first post  and I’m excited to see where it leads 🙂 I started this blog because I’m not satisfied with my life and I plan to do something to change it. The something I plan to do is to dedicate the next 42 days of my life to being in regular communion with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe. I plan to do that in this blog. Thinking about it, it seems a bit strange for me to do this in a blog but I guess that’s the world we live in. I was going to do it privately as a journal activity, but I decided I want to do it publicly and share what I experience with those who are interested, those who wonder what this change in focus can bring about, and those who may want to do the same but don’t think it’s possible.

I don’t know what will come about from this experience, but I’m looking forward to the journey. I think it may be one of the most important in my life.

Thanks for reading,