It’s difficult for me to allow myself to be free, confident, and serene. I impose rigid expectations on myself and when I don’t deliver, I feel the muscles in my face, neck, shoulders and lower back become tense. I clench my jaw. I feel my blood becoming acidic. It’s like I have a despot controlling my life from inside my own head. This despot tell me there are certain things that must be done each day and if I don’t do them then it will make me suffer.
When I don’t post in this blog, my despot punishes me. It’s taken something that’s creative, nourishing, and inspiring and turned it into something that dis-empowers and robs me of energy. I start to feel obligated. How does that happen? Sometimes I’m able to let it go and feel peace with my decision. Other times I’m unable. Last night I was unable. I got this idea in my mind that I had to post and if I didn’t it meant that I was a fraud, “un-dedicated”, not truly on a spiritual path…that somehow I was letting others down. Seriously, this is what my despot was telling me. It’s so dramatic!
Well, as you can see, I didn’t post last night. The real me is free and empowered and knows how to live a serene life. After a long day of staring at a computer, and a little relaxation, the real me decided to go to bed. However, the real me is still very subtle at the moment. The depot is loud and overbearing from years of having control. So, I went to bed last night feeling uneasy and I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I had a sense that I couldn’t be at peace unless I wrote this post. How crazy is that?
Of course, as I write, I feel that my despot doesn’t want me to write about this. It doesn’t want me to acknowledge what I’m feeling. Bringing this feeling into the open to shine light on it changes the balance of power. If I accept this feeling then the power is back in my court. If I hide it or ignore it, it becomes more powerful and my true self is shadowed over.
Now, as I write, in this moment, fear is washing over me. I feel my heart constricted and my stomach uneasy. All the new things that have been happening in my life are being rejected by this despot or false self. I want to ignore it and pretend like everything is ok because my false self tells me if I don’t pretend everything is ok then it means that this journey I’m on hasn’t worked. That I’ve failed. That I haven’t made any progress.
Today is day 42. The last day of this “experiment”. Shouldn’t I be feeling accomplished and telling the world what an amazing and inspiring experience this has been? In the moment I feel like I did something wrong. I don’t feel inspired. I feel scared that nothing has changed, that everything I have written in this blog is meaningless. Have I only imagined a different way of being? At the moment I feel no different than I did 43 days ago.
Maybe nothing has changed. I feel tense. Something within me doesn’t want to accept this. Something within me wants something different than the truth of what I feel in this moment. Something within me wants to label this moment as “wrong”.
That’s not my true self.
I call upon my true self in this moment. I call upon the divinity within myself. I call upon love and acceptance to be with me. To help me to open up instead of close down. To help me experience this moment as it truly is. To be and not to judge. To let go of the story and the drama and just feel.
To be. To simply be. Not to pretend. To accept. To feel free. To love what is. Not to change. To go deeper into a silent place where there are no words. A place of stillness and acceptance. where the storm on the surface can be weathered. where thoughts have no power. The necessity of pausing. to find this place within. that can only be found if I slow down. and allow myself to be 100% present. in the truth of this moment. the truth that can’t be changed. the truth that is. To find this place within that knows and feels the truth. where there is no past. where there is no future. that is not afraid. and to settle into it’s sweet serenity.
I feel a little better… and the journey continues…
Thanks for reading.