Day 42- The Journey Continues…

it does not matter how slow

It’s difficult for me to allow myself to be free, confident, and serene. I impose rigid expectations on myself and when I don’t deliver, I feel the muscles in my face, neck, shoulders and lower back become tense. I clench my jaw. I feel my blood becoming acidic. It’s like I have a despot controlling my life from inside my own head. This despot tell me there are certain things that must be done each day and if I don’t do them then it will make me suffer.

When I don’t post in this blog, my despot punishes me. It’s taken something that’s creative, nourishing, and inspiring and turned it into something that dis-empowers and robs me of energy. I start to feel obligated. How does that happen? Sometimes I’m able to let it go and feel peace with my decision. Other times I’m unable. Last night I was unable. I got this idea in my mind that I had to post and if I didn’t it meant that I was a fraud, “un-dedicated”, not truly on a spiritual path…that somehow I was letting others down. Seriously, this is what my despot was telling me. It’s so dramatic!

Well, as you can see, I didn’t post last night. The real me is free and empowered and knows how to live a serene life. After a long day of staring at a computer, and a little relaxation, the real me decided to go to bed. However, the real me is still very subtle at the moment. The depot is loud and overbearing from years of having control. So, I went to bed last night feeling uneasy and I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I had a sense that I couldn’t be at peace unless I wrote this post. How crazy is that?

Of course, as I write, I feel that my despot doesn’t want me to write about this. It doesn’t want me to acknowledge what I’m feeling. Bringing this feeling into the open to shine light on it changes the balance of power. If I accept this feeling then the power is back in my court. If I hide it or ignore it, it becomes more powerful and my true self is shadowed over.

Now, as I write, in this moment, fear is washing over me. I feel my heart constricted and my stomach uneasy. All the new things that have been happening in my life are being rejected by this despot or false self. I want to ignore it and pretend like everything is ok because my false self tells me if I don’t pretend everything is ok then it means that this journey I’m on hasn’t worked. That I’ve failed. That I haven’t made any progress.

Today is day 42. The last day of this “experiment”. Shouldn’t I be feeling accomplished and telling the world what an amazing and inspiring experience this has been? In the moment I feel like I did something wrong. I don’t feel inspired. I feel scared that nothing has changed, that everything I have written in this blog is meaningless. Have I only imagined a different way of being? At the moment I feel no different than I did 43 days ago.

Maybe nothing has changed. I feel tense. Something within me doesn’t want to accept this. Something within me wants something different than the truth of what I feel in this moment. Something within me wants to label this moment as “wrong”.

That’s not my true self.

I call upon my true self in this moment. I call upon the divinity within myself. I call upon love and acceptance to be with me. To help me to open up instead of close down. To help me experience this moment as it truly is. To be and not to judge. To let go of the story and the drama and just feel.

To be. To simply be.                                                                                                                   Not to pretend.                                                                                                                         To accept. To feel free.                                                                                                               To love what is. Not to change.                                                                                                 To go deeper into a silent place where there are no words.                                              A place of stillness and acceptance.                                                                                         where the storm on the surface can be weathered.                                                     where thoughts have no power.                                                                                          The necessity of pausing.                                                                                                        to find this place within.                                                                                                       that can only be found if I slow down.                                                                               and allow myself  to be 100% present.                                                                                     in the truth of this moment.                                                                                                 the truth that can’t be changed.                                                                                           the truth that is.                                                                                                                       To find this place within that knows and feels                                                                      the truth.                                                                                                                                     where there is no past.                                                                                                         where there is no future.                                                                                                           that is not afraid.                                                                                                                    and to settle into it’s sweet serenity.

I feel a little better… and the journey continues…

Thanks for reading.


Day 35- Opening to Abundance- Part 1

Ok, it’s time… I’ve been avoiding mentioning a certain topic. Not on purpose. I didn’t realize until I started typing just now why I’ve been avoiding it, but it just hit me. The topic is money and abundance. What just hit me is that the reason I’ve avoided mentioning it is because of my lack mentality.

My mind has made up other reasons, though. My mind has been telling me that it would be inappropriate to talk about my money situation publicly. It’s also been telling me that I shouldn’t talk about it because I don’t have anything important to say. I can see through the charade more now though. My mind is a complete manipulator…it’s becoming more and more obvious.

Here’s the real reason I’ve avoided mentioning the topic of money and abundance. It’s because of the power I’ve given my lack mentality and the aversion my lack mentality has of dying. My lack mentality caused me to be uncomfortable with this topic. My lack mentality wants me to think that money and abundance are none of my business. It wants me to believe I know anything about it. It wants me to be ashamed of admitting my struggles and admitting I’m not where I want to be. My lack mentality wants me to feel powerless in regard to money. And like the do-gooder I am, I have complied.

Things are changing now, though. I can literally feel something shifting within me as I write. I feel differently. I feel more open about it. I feel more confident! I understand why my lack mentality didn’t want me to talk about money. It’s because talking about it is freeing. This freedom is a death to the lack mentality.

I’ve been reading a book called You Were Born Rich, by Bob Proctor (you can get a free copy here if you’re interested). Reading this is something my mind has told me I should be ashamed about. I don’t have to listen to my mind’s advice, though. I choose not to now. Anyway…one of the first things Bob says about money in this book is that money is a servant.  Money is here to serve us, not the other way around. I have felt like a servant to money all of my life. I have given away incredible amounts of my power to money and I have allowed it to control me. I have so identified with my lack mentality that to a certain degree I have believed it was me. Whenever I felt unhappy or stressed about money, my thoughts always settled on the conviction that “No matter how hard I try I will never be wealthy I will always be lack.”

So, why are things shifting for me? Probably for many reasons. I don’t know if I know anything for sure, but I feel it has a least a little to do with these 3 things:

  1. Awakening to the truth that abundance and prosperity are part of divinity, not selfish, shallow desires.
  2. Awakening to the truth that I am powerful  and I am creative and I have the power to create my life the way I want it to be.
  3. Awakening a part of myself that somehow has been able to take action in the direction of abundance and prosperity. Thus proving to my doubting mind, in little ways, that lack doesn’t define me. And gaining more confidence with every little step in the direction of abundance and prosperity.

It’s been little steps. Up to now, so little that I barely felt anything was changing. But all of a sudden I feel it. I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading.


Day 26- Learning How to “Be”

Oh, the unraveling of the false self…Learning to “be” whatever I am in each moment, truly accepting every aspect of my experience of the moment- I don’t think I’ve ever done that. There are so many layers of rejection and refusal of myself and my experience, for one reason or another. And how can I truly feel the presence of the divine if I am so often busy rejecting who I am and my true experience of the moment, which is an activity of the mind (my false self)? Always doing, doing, doing. Never being. What a distraction. If my mind is creating and shaping my experience, I’m not truly able to connect with the divine source/force within or all around me.  So, I suppose this is another starting point. I feel a very vague sense of direction. I feel for the first time that I am catching a glimpse of what exists underneath all of the layers of false self. It feels elusive at the moment, kind of like a mist that I can’t really see or touch. I feel it though.

I read this article yesterday and it was very helpful: Freedom From Suffering: Feeling Feelings

Thanks for reading.


Day 6- A taste of freedom

So much happens in a day, it’s difficult to pick and choose what to write about. I have spent a minute clearing my mind and emptying myself out so that I can be more in tune with that which comes from the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe.

Yesterday was one of the most different days of my entire life. When I say that my life is transformed it is true. It may seem no different on the outside, but the inside is unrecognizable. I can’t say I was successful with keeping my thoughts 100% on the divine world all around me. However, never in my life have I been able to turn my thoughts around with such speed. I’m getting more skilled at recognizing thoughts that come along to steal away my serenity, harmony, and freedom. Yesterday when a thought of that type peeked it’s head into my mind, I was confident that I didn’t have to give it room to enter. Yesterday, more than anything, I was confident that I truly did not have to think about anything but the presence of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe all around me. I let go of all other thoughts knowing that they were less important than focusing on the divine presence.

As I write this post, I find myself wanting to pause after every point to empty my mind out again and invite the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe to speak through me. In a way I can’t believe that it’s me writing these words. As my eyes read them I wonder, “Have I gone crazy?” Who is this person writing as if she were a holy person. I have never spoken words like this to anyone. As I write I wonder how these words will be taken, but then the next instant I remind myself that it doesn’t matter. I am like a split personality at the moment because my life and my thoughts are changing so rapidly. I find within myself a fear. What if…What if this is all false. What if I am making it up? I don’t know that answer to that, yet. When I am alone conversing with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe inside my own mind, I am not afraid. Yesterday, I conversed out loud with the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe, as well. I took a walk along a levada. There was no one around. It was like talking to a friend. I enjoyed it. I felt safe. But now, making this known to other people, that’s when the fear and doubt and shame comes in. It doesn’t feel safe. I fear judgment. So, then shall I keep it to myself? I don’t think so. I think this experience wants to be shared.

I will allow myself the freedom to be whoever it is I feel the inclination to be during this 42-day experiment. I guess there is safety in allowing it as part of an experiment 😉 I am realizing at this moment that I don’t need to take myself so seriously. A wave of acceptance just swept over me. It’s ok to be a little crazy I think. It’s ok to try new things, to try on new versions of myself. Like a little girl playing dress-up, practicing to be a lady. Think of how silly she looks wearing her mother’s high-heels and dress. But that doesn’t matter to her because she feels glorious and elegant! And because of the innocence of children, they have confidence in what they do and we love them all the more for their silliness. They don’t yet know of or fear the type of judgment that we, as adults, cast upon one another.

So for today I will not fear what I have written of how I have written it. I will let go of thoughts warning me what it may sound like to others and I will focus on how the experience feels. For I do feel glorious! Yesterday my adult mind was the free-est it’s ever been. That is a gift and I am grateful for the experience. I feel the need to add that although it was the free-est it ever been, I was not completely free. There was a sense of unsettling anxiety bubbling somewhere. I don’t know exactly what it was but I didn’t allow it to become a concern. I was aware of it, but did not make anything of it. What is that feeling of anxiety about? I don’t know, but I’ve decided I don’t need to be concerned about it. I will watch it so that it doesn’t hide and grow, but I will not worry about it, I will not stress about it, I will not try to figure it out. It’s just there.

Thanks for reading.


Day 4 My intent and Reservations about Going Public

My intent for this experience, this experiment, these 42 days, is to make a positive change in my life and put my life on a path that allows me to live fully and deeply, a path that allows me to share my talents and gifts in such a way that me and all those around me feel uplifted in some way or learn something along the way. My intent is to do something to ensure that life doesn’t drift away without meaning.

I must say, I really can’t decide whether this blog is something that I want to share with a larger community or if it’s something that I want to keep more private. Part of me feels uncomfortable sharing it because it exposes a side of me that is a work in progress that not many people have seen and it would make me feel vulnerable to make it public. I’m by no means an expert in anything religious or spiritual. I’ve studied a little and been an active member of a few religious/spiritual communities, but the majority of my information and/or knowledge is from reading books on a wide variety of topics related to religion and spirituality (also sometimes labelled self-help) and from what my own life has taught me. Because of this, things that I write may seem strange, naive, or mixed up…

…This uncertainty is me succumbing to my fears, and turning away from divine truth and love. Not my intent, but where I am at this very moment. I think the bottom line is, I’m not sure if my intentions for sharing are what I want them to be. I may not share until I can be confident that my intention is authentic and not egoic.

…blah, blah, blah…it took me so long to write the last 2 paragraphs…much longer than it’s taken me to write any of the other posts. I think since I’m writing I gave myself permission to over-think things and dwell a bit on the negative. It’s a habit for me to dwell on what I write. But that’s a change I want to make. I don’t want to dwell…on ANYTHING. Dwelling means getting stuck in the past and that’s not part of my intention. So, forget about what I just wrote. If I were thinking those thoughts, I’d be trying to replace them by acknowledging the presence of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe in my life. So, maybe it’s best to do the opposite of anything that I feel naturally inclined to dwell on. Maybe not sharing is giving in to my ego because I think what I’m doing is so special…maybe what I’m doing is just…something that I’m doing. No need to fret about it. Somewhere inside I know that no one really cares what anyone else does.

No. Stop.

That’s me dwelling again and trying to intellectualize something that doesn’t need to be intellectualized.

My goal is to live life in a different way. I can feel the old me holding on for dear life, clawing at anything it can get its hands on to survive. It’s very strong and I don’t think this is the last I will hear from it…

So what has this crazy post accomplished? I don’t know and I’m not going to try to figure it out. I’m going to stop writing and keep bringing my mind back to the presence of the Great Creative Life Force of the Universe as my new reality and see where that leads me.

Thanks for reading.


Thanks for reading.